Claire Raby : Journal

time is but a means to slow you down

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 06:49:00 +0000

I just feel like time is going by so fast. every now and then (especially those times when I'm redoing my website) I read over things I've written in the past, and it scares me how many years have gone by and how little I've gotten done. I worry that I won't get anything done in time before I start to lose my voice (or my hearing!) and my creativity level starts to decline. I've been feeling like I'm getting old since I was 21 and it's only getting worse. what I want now is someone to tell me that it's not a big deal if I don't accomplish everything I intended to, or that if it's so important to me, that I just need to make it happen (<--title of a cheesy Mariah Carey song). I know this is the same conversation I've been having with myself for years, but I feel so different now, I feel optimistic about the future and grateful for the talents that I have. but I don't think I'll ever lose that need to be appreciated, I just wish it would be a driving force instead of a cause of constant self-judgement. I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm not a special unique special snowflake and that I don't have to "go down in the history books," I just have to be happy and maybe my music will make some other people happy along the way.

has it always been so out of hand?

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 09:32:00 +0000

and all I can think is this wasn't supposed to happen
oh I waiver so much that I'm starting to notice a pattern
if I set my standards low will I still feel it in my bones
and how far can I expect this to go
(and all I know is I can't bear to go)

suddenly it seems so familiar
every time I run for the door
energies I waste in retreating to quieter ground
(over and over and over and over again)
every side of my cage must face the sound
(noise I can't escape, in or out)

how evil of me to use sound as a metaphor for something bad. shame on me.
I'm actually really mad at myself for those last two (well ok, four) lines, because I didn't want to bring that sentiment into this song, the whole "no matter what I do I'm fucked" mentality. but I loved the wording, despite the way I jump from idioms to a random metaphor. anyway, I didn't like this song much at first, but of course it's grown on me. I just wish I would stop writing such harsh things (at least it seems that way to me). I sampled a super old song here (the over and over line), which got me recording super old songs for fun. I'm not doing the world any favors by saving these things...

11/10/08

and all I can think is this wasn't supposed to happen
oh I waiver so much that I'm starting to notice a pattern
if I set my standards low will I still feel it in my bones
and how far can I expect this to go
(and all I know is I can't bear to go)

suddenly it seems so familiar
every time I run for the door
energies I waste in retreating to quieter ground
(over and over and over and over again)
every side of my cage must face the sound
(noise I can't escape, in or out)

and all that I feel is laced with an unspoken yearning
to see what would be if I evaded this constant reverting
and all that I know is I can't be there to give my all at once
(and all that I know is I can't ignore all that was)
I wish it were fair that I cannot bear it all
(I never forget a note)

nothing has changed, I stand inbetween freezers and flames
and all I contain will never be matted and framed
and every last inch I try to give is filled in with empty space
(and here we go again)
there's so much more I'm not prepared to face
(why is it so hard to just declare my place)

and I have never felt so far away from you
(don't you feel it too)
but I will hold you close as I have grown to do
(like this weight is pulling me to be finished with you)
if I wake up every day feeling sure that I could stay
is this ever going to go

this has been done for a while now, but I can't for the life of me think of a title of it. I want something that has to do with being pulled in two different directions, opposites. when I record a song I usually take one word from the lyrics and use it as a working title, the problem is I get so attached to that word that nothing else sounds right to me. the word in this case is "pattern," but it's really not a sufficient title, it doesn't satisfy my strict requirements, haha. the awful scratch recording of this might end up on purevolume as soon as I can think of a name...

soundtrack of our lives

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 03:29:00 +0000

go here to hear a cover of Less Than Jake's "soundtrack of my life" that was done by ericcc from the Less Than Jack board, which is now graced with my mediocre vocals. I spent much more time on this than I should admit, and as I said on the board, "I don't have anything nice to say about this, but I hope you like it." but really, it's a lot of fun and eric did all the other instrumentation-- which sounds awesome.

if you hate myspace, you can download it here.

(I should hopefully soon record vocals over eric's cover of "independence day" as well, so when that's done I'll post that here.)

my songs are starting to bleed together

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 08:59:00 +0000

I wait for all this weight to lift from me
I only wish that I could hide from everything
(take me away)
and everything I stand to gain from this
there is nothing left for me
I am so completely empty

(I won't be free
until I claim what's haunting me
oh if I stall till I am ready
will there be enough of me
for me to defeat my enemy)

oh but I must soldier on
(no pain you say)
I must be strong
(no pain you say)
I can't go on
(these games we play)

(will I make it through the day
oh can I outlast the pain)
no pain you say
no pain you say
no gain today
(these games we play)

this is some bastard of a song that's currently an addition to 'no pain'. which makes a bit of sense because of the way the song makes a ton of references to other songs, but the sampling I'm doing here is a bit too over the top. regardless, I like it, so I'm screwed I guess. I was just saying that streetlight manifesto makes me feel a little bit better that all my songs sound the same (and I don't mean that in a bad way).

and here's another song I've been sitting on, it's in pieces and doesn't want to fit together just yet, but I can only hope I'll smash it all together and do it justice:

and now I cast you out of my life
(and now I cast you out of my life)
waiting to give in to my fright
(until I change my mind)
I'm so afraid to be alone
but I've been here all along
all alone

either way I cannot stay this way
(all the way I've been counting the days)
oh I know I can't overcome
will I make it through the day
oh can I outlast the pain
(all the things you've done to me
all the things that I chose not to see)
of all the things that you and I have overdone

for now I'll take you into my life
(so now I cannot make up my mind)
'cause I will give in every time
and every day that I'm alone
I wish for something I could hold
(something for me to hold onto)
something to hold
something to hold
(can I hold on)

someone inspire me or claire, the uninspired

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 06:35:00 +0000

what's to say that we could ever be the same
and what do I know anyway
we can't move on from here
if I can't feel a thing

I'm so tired of being unable to decide
oh will I ever find it in me to call it a night
oh I can't say that it's not worth it
I can't say that it's not right
I can only say that I have no more will to fight

I wrote this a while ago in some half asleep haze and just rediscovered it. I have another song I'm eager to post, but it's not ready yet, it's confused and still sort of in the concept stage. I've been really lazy with my guitar writing lately, and I keep repeating chord progressions and vocal melodies that go with them. would someone remind me that I love playing the guitar and that there's much more I could be doing with it than a standard/overused chord progression with the same strumming rhythm that I use in every single song I've written since "falling"? that's half the reason I want a band (well, maybe a quarter), to bring out my creativity on the guitar, but I'm so unconfident in my guitar skills at this point I would probably be ashamed or embarrased to play with anyone who was any good at their instrument. not that I expect to ever get a band, or to do any of the things I had planned for my life, but I never stop hoping.

there's no other way to live than filled with doubt

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Sun, 20 May 2007 09:45:00 +0000

all the clocks have struck the time
that we should be defined
(that we should have been defined)
by now
we should be well upon our way
(we are in the way)
there's nowhere we can't stray
(there are so many steps to take)
but still we stay

when I find the way, I'll be sure to check it out (chicken out)
but I always will be frightened by the sound
and no matter what I'll never live it down
(there's no other way to live than filled with doubt)

I wish it wasn't so late (early) so I could write more to this. I should not even bother to mention anymore that I've ripped off at least two of my own, and others', songs. but I was saying the other day that someone would have a lot of fun rearranging my songs, since they're all in the same or similar keys and would probably fit well together. maybe I'll do that when I get too old to write anymore good music, if I ever need to fill some shitty record label's album quota, or if I want to milk my songs for all they're worth (which probably isn't much). being so bitter is fun, isn't it?

"and don’t tell me not to reference my songs within my songs"

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Mon, 14 May 2007 07:57:00 +0000

no pain, you say
as I lie on the floor
bled and bruised
I can't even breathe anymore
(no pain, you say)
but I can still feel the pain
(lying on the floor)
of having had to lose
(slain and stabbed, you slew me)

I can still feel the waves crashing over me
I can still feel the weight pushing down on me
I can still feel the rain washing over me
I can still feel the pain I've been gathering

no pain, you say

---

and I wasn't gonna post this one, but what the hell, excuse the bad rhyme scheme:

could I have been the one to save you
if lines could be redrawn, would I change your view
would time be overturned if you came to
would fires cease to burn, and waters fail to move
is there nothing I could say in my last words to you
if a rose is a rose and can't be changed into blue

I have a giraffe on my shirt.

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 05:54:00 +0000

I can't sing right now and it's hell (sore throat). right now my voice belongs in a bad american idol audition that everyone would laugh at and be so amused by because exploiting people and pointing out their weaknesses and stomping on their misguided dreams is fun (especially when it's so obviously staged).

did I just say something about american idol? I'm terribly sorry. really I want to attempt a notification thing for my new posts so my non-existent readers can read my bitching right when I post it. right now it doesn't seem to be working. :(

6:54pm

ok, right now I'm testing out feedblitz.com and considering using a google group. I know I'm wasting my time, but what else is new.

3/12/07

Warning: semi-techno-babble ahead. I set up the notification through feedblitz, it has some drawbacks, but it's pretty straightforward, you don't need to sign up for anything, you just have to type in your email address, you can unsubscribe easily, and the emails aren't too ugly or anything. it checks once a day for updates to the journal and sends out an email if there are any. only problem with that is, if I go find a typo in some super-old journal entry, I'm gonna fix it, and it'll probably consider that an update and send you a link to the entry, and you'll be all: wtf, there's nothing new here! but I'll try to keep that to a minimum, and this is not always a bad thing since I do go to old entries and add things to them (ie. this entry right here). I set it up so you can't read the entry in the email because I don't want to take any traffic away from my site (this is why I didn't do the group thing, blogger has this thing where it will send new entries to an email address you specify, so if you send it to a group address, it goes out to all the group members, just incase you were wondering how that was supposed to work). I think I have the option to put in a footer in the emails and may put in some exclusive links to mp3 files or something, I'm not sure yet. because it only sends out emails once a day, I haven't done any full-fledged testing of this yet, but I'm pretty sure it's good to go (hence me putting the form on the page), to sign up for it just click the subscribe link under the archives. and again, I know that not many people read this journal (I should assume that since I don't have many comments, I don't have many readers), but it's sort of designed to increase the reading of the journal, and maybe I have a few silent lurkers out there, who knows. I usually try to avoid posting boring website entries like this one, but sometimes I can't help it, since I'm not only a mediocre musician, I'm also a mediocre webdesigner/developer.

but, back to something relevant, I can sing again! at least, for the most part. so I am very grateful for that.

(speaking of typos, this whole thing has given me some incentive to proofread, to avoid making a million edits to an entry, and I fixed two semi-ironic typos, both of which I make all the time, one being "type" instead of "typo" and the other being "sign" instead of "sing". I'm all about irony, even when it's as incredibly pointless as this, so I just had to share that. I'll shut up now.)

5/14/07

oh, and apparently edits don't show up on the notification emails. oh well, that could be a good or a bad thing.

"why do I torture myself?"

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 00:52:00 +0000

I find myself
sifting through letters
(sifting through the mail)
and checking for calls on my cell
(checking for holes in my cell)

I ask myself
what is the point if I
can't even handle it well
(what is the point of this hell)

well, if I can't write a song without harmonies and mutltiple vocal parts, then so be it, that's how I write. and I happen to adore it. my deepest apologies for using the word "cell" but I really it sounded a lot better than "phone" and I got the double meaning out of it, so I'm satisfied with it. but um, this song is so dark, it's similar to "silence" in a way. I did a cool echo effect with the lines in the second verse. but, like an ass, I can't play the guitar part, so I resorted to playing the straight chords and dubbing the picking part, which might stick, who knows. but I want some kind of explosive chorus for this. I know that sounds kind of cheesy, but I've been listening to becky's new song, "this machine" and while I think it may repeat the chorus too much, it's very powerful and I'd love something like that for this song. this song also reminds me a bit of Evelyn Red's "hourglass" (it's the guitar part, and theirs is much cooler than mine) and that also has a very strong chorus. we'll see, time will tell, haha.

(I'm a dork.)

2/22/07

why torture myself
I die every time your presense is felt
(every time our silence is squelched)
a blazing fire is fed
I crave for this thirst to be quenched
(I need for this need not to be met)

this morning I saw your ghost
sitting in front of the window
you'd never wear that, I said
you'd never understand what that meant

I ask myself
what is the point if I
can't even explain it well
(why do I torture myself)
what is the point if I
can't even tell you myself
(why do I torture myself)

are you watching
are you listening
are you watching
(are you really listening)
are you listening
(are you watching me)

and the "I ask myself" repeats about a million times, it's not the strong "chorus" I was going for, but it's catchy, and the "why torture myself" is pretty strong, if not in the way I wanted it to be. my crappy recording I think ends sort of abruptly, since I want to repeat the last part until you want to strangle me, but it's alright as is. because I know I'm never going to record it.

so, I had sort of a surreal experience this morning, which inspired a lot of this, and I have to be a dork and compare it to the x-files episode "beyond the sea," where scully sees a vision of her father sitting in front of her when she's first waking up, and then recieves a call that he died. and honestly, that idea spooked me a little bit, but I'm not really a spiritual person, and I'm sort of showing that and questioning it in the song.

I can't even begin to count how many songs (my own and others') I've ripped off in this one. one of which I'm still trying to place, some song that says "fire" in the same prominent way that I sing it, I suppose I'll figure it out eventually.

this song is spinning in my head so much I don't even want to listen to it. to prove my dork-ism once more, I was reading a less than jake interview where they were asked if they listened to their own music, and I guess I'm just weird for listening to mine. really I think I'm my only fan. I listen to my own music about as much as I listen to my favorite artists, maybe I'm just vain and self-absorbed, yes, that's probably it.

3/20/07

I put this up on purevolume.com, and probably against my better judgement, I knocked off Away From Here (but now people will just have to download it to listen to it). as far as the ending of this song not being long enough, I decided I would play the whole part (from the 'are you watching' part) one additional time, but every time I attempt to splice it into the current recording, I get way too frustrated, so it will just have to wait. I really really really wish I could put up more streaming songs for people to listen to, because I have all these songs that are done but don't have formal recordings yet, and I want to share them with anyone who is willing to listen and overlook their demo-ish nature. I guess it's just more incentive to get the flash player for my site working...

evening

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 11:28:00 +0000

every day I wake up
to the afternoon telling me
it's just too late to move

I'd wake up to the morning light
but I cannot stand to waste the night
I cannot take the feel of direction

under my shell
I'm soft and frail
over all this stone
is a place that should've been home
but I know it'll never come close
it'll never come close

every day I end up waiting
for the world to stop rotating
because I can't pick up the pieces all alone

(it'll never come close)

every day I try to stay on top
will I finish, will I even start
the lists are getting longer by the minute
(the day is getting shorter by the minute)

all the clutter's piled much too high (from floor to ceiling)
this room is a store of abandoned ties (the air is stifling)
(the air in this room is running dry)
you'd think I could resist the urge to fill it
(who thought I could remain here all alone)

I thought I could remain all alone
(what do I know)
what if I don't
(don't go)
(what if I go)
I came close
but I know

I hate finishing songs and being completely incapable of recording them well. but I'm fighting with n-track right now to mix down the usual shit-version. I think I'm happy with it, but I'll probably come up with some complaints as I continue to listen to it. oh well.

6:47pm

I added some lines to the end (above), so now I get to mix it down again (joy). this song sort of changed its subject on me and I'm a little annoyed about it (I guess you can't avoid putting what you're feeling into a song). but whatever.

this was supposed to be a fun post, here, my abandoned ties:

by the way, the ending of this totally reminds me of stina nordenstam's "little star" every time I listen to it. which isn't really a bad thing because I love the song, but I'm not a big fan of ripping people off (even accidentally).

so much more than I could ever know

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 23:21:00 +0000

all I've ever wanted
all I've ever known
all I've ever needed
was so much more
than I could ever show
(than you could ever know)

this is a part of "with you" that got left out, and now I have no idea where to fit it in. I could kick myself for writing it.

I'm having the same dilemma with "time will tell" because I have two different versions, as far as the order of the parts goes, and one sounds better when I play it without harmony (as in live), and the other sounds better as a recording. I don't want to have to deal with two different versions of the song. songwriting should not be so decision-based.

time will tell

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 09:48:00 +0000

time will tell me nothing
'cause only time will lie about what's coming
and what's behind the shoes that we've been running
three at a time and time, again, is cunning
and takes us for a ride

ride on while you can still feel (it)
and don't come till you've learned what's real (the meaning)
and don't you fear what's inbetween
(time will tell me nothing)
the roads are steep but time will lead the way
(the roads are clear but time is in the way)

this song is my new love. but now that I'm posting it, it's doomed to be unfinished for a while. it sounds very similar to something (many things?) and I hope it's just one of my songs and not someone else's (the harmony is very similar to "you walk right through me"). actually, it reminds me a bit of church music, which should've been intentional on my part, but probably wasn't.

1/6/07

time to tell me what you plan on doing for me
I'm sure that you'll be plenty ready to fool me
and time will tell me what its plans are for me
(time has taught me to be wary of what's before me)
I'm sure it will be sitting right before me
(I'm sure that I'll be getting all that comes to me)

time is but a means to slow you down
time is what it means to be let down
time does what it needs to hold you down
time is just a need to be soldiered out

now imagine all four of these parts all layered on top of each other. I'm such a gratuitous bastard. but I love it.

all I see is...

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 07:50:00 +0000

I'm stuck here only because
I don't know where to go
and if I had what I wanted
would I even know
and would all I've dreamed of
swiftly come and go
leaving me to wonder
why I'd never known

I turn the page
but everything's the same
I just can't change
this faulty view today
I'll never change

faulty eyes
battered sight
I know someday
I'll be the one that's right

I wait here only because
I have nowhere to go
and if I knew what I wanted
could I even come close
does everything just fall apart
I don't even know where to start

tear off the page
it's useless to remain
I am a vessel
in which nothing is contained
I am a victim
of my unrelenting ways
I am the broken platter
no one wants to save

regretful matters
repeat over

faltered sight
full of fright
staring outward
but looking only inside

fault lies in my
faulty eyes

this is a very beautiful song, but I'm going to hate it forever because it's been the bane of my existence for years. now that it's finished I know I'm never going to be satisfied with it and will probably never want to play it. but I added some flute to the song and it's really pretty, reminds me of some song I played in band. I wish I was better at playing flute, I'm surprised I was doing as well as I was. this recording isn't going to make it online because it has too many mistakes. once I'm comfortable with the song I'll make a real recording. it's late, songwriting makes me a night owl. :(

talk to me, I need attention

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Fri, 01 Dec 2006 06:56:00 +0000

my non-existant fans are getting lots of goodies today... as promised:

12/29/04 - North Shore Public Library
Away From Here (live acoustic)
Veruca Salt covers with Jackie Moller (clips):
Aurora
Swedish Fish

12/22/04 - Eastenders Coffee House
Girl (live acoustic)
more VS covers with Jackie (clips):
Halloween Day
Benjamin

and some more from the my-guitar-is-way-too-out-of-tune VS covers with Kathleen (clips):
Spiderman '79
Benjamin
(the rest are here)

so please! go ahead and waste my bandwidth! (but do try to save them rather than streaming them)

12/2/06

I just added a recording of "girl" to this list. it's stupid of me to give it out since I haven't finished the real recording, but it's an alright recording of it and it's a good song. I moved all of these files to the shows section of my page, now you can find any live recordings I put up on the shows page, I also put all the live photos up there. I know the clip of away from here from the 12/22/04 show is terrible, but I'd rather put up a video of it than make a better clip (and I personally think the crappy clip has more character than the audio rip of the video). so I'll leave up the audioblogger clip for now. did I mention that audioblogger doesn't work anymore? more reason for me to get a laptop to record my shows.

seasick, too

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 12:27:00 +0000

I sit in this rocking boat
and wonder if you can hear me
I wonder if you notice me
pretending to look the other way
but I know this is my fault
and I know it's not your call
I just wonder, are you seasick too

I wait with this boat
for you to meet me here
I wait for the tide
to wash me away
I hope it's not the way
you wanted it to be

the boat is sinking
my world is spinning
too fast for me to blink
I'm tired of the way
(by the way)
I can't speak the words to say
(I am seasick every day)
all the thoughts that I can think
(and I don't want to sink)

I sit in this wayward boat
and yearn for you to hear (help) me
(can you hear me)
(will you steer me)
I beg for you to notice me
demanding to live a better fate
but I know you give your all
(I know this is my call)
and I know we're all at fault
I just wonder, will we make it through
(are you seasick too)

the water's always freezing
and you are always leaving me here
drifting, dreaming (drowning)

I've been itching (or should I say "yearning") to post this, but I finally finished the lyrics (in a half-assed way? maybe). I'd love to post the mp3 but I want to sit on it for a day or two, see if I want to change anything else. it's a terrible recording, of course, but I love it anyway. I just hope I make a real recording of it and don't just settle for this one. it's 7:30 in the morning, don't ask me why I felt I needed to finish this before going to sleep. now I really wish I hadn't.

8:06pm

so the recording is as finished as it's going to get for the time being, enjoy (and tell me what you think):

purevolume.com/claireraby (last song on the list)

redundancy, apparently.

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Sun, 17 Sep 2006 00:32:00 +0000

how many ways can I say it without saying it
how many lies have we let lie
how many days can I go without saying this
how many dreams can I let die

---

I wait for the day when this will all be over
I wait for the time when I make up my mind
I wait for the night when I'm finally ready
to close my eyes and leave this behind

yay, more fragments to add to the pile! I just realized how similar these two songs are.

3/20/07

how long can we play this out if I simply do not choose
how much am I willing to lose
how long can we keep this up if I question every move
how far can we let this go if we simply let ourselves be used

(an addition to the first one, continuing with the theme)

nonsense

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 06:31:00 +0000

you always told me
to try something new
but that's just not what I do

over my shoulder
I look to the world
to pull me out of this

it's not what I meant to say
(it's not making sense to me)
I know you'd go all the way
but I'm afraid
you've gone too far
and now you're just far away

I really want "nonsense" to be the title of this because it's sort of ironic, but I don't want someone to think I wasn't taking myself seriously (ha!), so I think I need a real title for it :( it's only about a minute long, but I think I plan on leaving it that length. maybe I just can't write full songs anymore.

I've been editing "silence" all night and I swear I never want to hear the song again (not really). but uh, I don't know anything about equalizing or anything? and that's all it needs really. I'm afraid to even try. but a fun name for something (I have no idea what) I came up with is "seamless static". it's sort of a tounge twister if you say it too many times. editing this song has got me thinking about an EP and how much I want to make one. I really just have to do the artwork (I sort of started it already) and re-mix/re-record? ("alone") my songs. I was pretty set on photocopying the art but I wonder if there's some other inexpensive way to do black and white printing...

myspace should fire their entire coding department

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Sat, 02 Sep 2006 06:32:00 +0000

http://www.myspace.com/forrestrose
my spiffy profile does not make up for the fact that my music sucks. but at least I appreciate that my presentation on a site as annoyingly important as myspace is far above myspace standards (note that all the columns are actually the same width!). so :P

forget it

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Thu, 27 Jul 2006 00:58:00 +0000

well here I am
waiting for the whole wide world to see
just how I wear defeat
and how casual I can be
when lying

I've been writing really bad songs. I sort of wish I'd stop.

amusement

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Sat, 15 Jul 2006 08:49:00 +0000

http://www.last.fm/music/Claire+Raby

hooboy.

7/27/06

so I sold my soul again and joined this site just so I could edit my info and upload shit, even though it's just a clip and people will slaughter me when my 30 second clip interupts their radio listening experience. oops.
http://www.last.fm/user/forrestrose

for some, pain is orange(but all orange means to me is loud clothing and road cones...)

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Fri, 24 Feb 2006 08:01:00 +0000

I felt so scared to wake up
knowing that I wouldn't belong anywhere
I just want to know you'll be here when I arise
waiting patiently for me to wake

it's about time I posted this. but as usual, I wanted to wait until there was a little more to it before I put it online. the song seems to have a strange optimism that doesn't fit with the subject matter or how I feel right now, or maybe it does all too well and I'm just afraid of being optimistic, heh. the music reflects this the most, it's light and dreamy and makes me think of the color yellow-- sunshine, not blue-green like I'm being swallowed by the ocean. forgive the psych bullshit, but isn't it funny that I considered yellow to be my favorite color as a child (and maybe only because it was closest to white, which people told me wasn't a "real color" and that I had to choose something else), and now I can't stand it? of course, having to live in a yellow room (with blue-green paint underneath that I liked so much better) may've had something to do with it.

there are some things I've written (in regard to playing music) that I'd like to post somewhere, but not here, not now. I just read my whole journal and I almost feel good about my writing (writing writing, not lyrics/poetry, though I was reading my old poetry and I can't figure out why I'm not good at poetry anymore). I seem to remember feeling the same way after reading my online diary.

but now I'm tired and spacey and I don't think I like where all this is going.

Music

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Sun, 10 Jul 2005 10:00:00 +0000

I can't get the music
to fit what's in my head
and sometimes it's just not worth it
to speak of all the things that should be said

I wait for the music
to overflow with words I've bled
but somehow I just can't get it
to silence (empty) all the things that fill my head

(yes, I already did post this here.)

I've been calling this song "music" since I wrote it, but after looking at its original journal entry, I think "headache" would make a very cool and fitting title. I must sit on that. but I think I'm done with it, it's basically a verse with some improv-ing after it (the same as the original take), and a second verse layered over it... with harmony, of course (very little though). I don't know if it's something I'd like to give out though, I'll decide after I make a real recording.

on a sidenote, I'm in love with far, and I wish I could play guitar like that.

7/11/05

I'm calling it "silence."

and I'm finished recording it. I'm not sure what to do with it yet.

12/14/05

I put this up on purevolume.com. they redesigned and junk, I think it looks really nice, but it loads like crap. I think I can put up like 3 more songs, so I can put up more unfinished junk as I see fit. yay.

veruca love.

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Sat, 28 May 2005 06:21:00 +0000

half-assed veruca salt songs with kathleen. <3 listen to fun clips!

Celebrate You
searching.mp3
shade.mp3

more to come...

11/8/08

I finally broke down and put up a full mp3 from this "session." it's the same recording as the "shade" mp3, but I love that clip so I suppose I'll leave it up for a while. so here's the full song:

Celebrate You (with Kathleen D'Angelo)

I keep ripping off of "far"

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Mon, 09 May 2005 20:51:00 +0000

I wait with this boat
for you to meet me here
I wait for the tide
to wash me away
I hope it's not the way
you wanted it to be

part of a dream. part of a song.

optissimism

noreply@blogger.com (rosebleed) — Mon, 18 Apr 2005 07:28:00 +0000

at least right now I'm finding beauty in work of mine that I can't stand, and in music that I would've killed myself for writing however long ago. I'm not sure if this is a good thing, but I think beautiful music is a good thing whether you're delusional or not.

if there's music in my veins then I haven't bled enough