posted by rosebleed @ 4:10 AM
so I actually started participating in the long island music scene board. someone was asking people to write why they play music, when/why they started, etc. and asked that people be completely honest. and I think it was a really bad decision for me to write something like this. I've been positive lately, optimistic, encouraged. this just slammed the negativity right back into my head. it's one thing to think things, but it's another to put them in almost permanent writing and sign it. now I keep thinking "well if I don't plan on having a carreer in music, and I don't want to be active in getting myself shows, why do I bother trying?" I know nothing will ever stop me from writing/playing music, but saying things like that is enough to make me want to crawl back into whatever slump I was in however long ago and not play shows and not try and write new songs. despite all this, I really enjoyed playing tonight. the sound was terrible, the audience was a little loud, I played an unfamiliar guitar, I tried to pull off a cover I hadn't practiced, but still it was fun and I think I did ok (not wonderful, but ok). as much as I hate admitting it (it's like, giving into the bias against solo artists), I need a band. I need a real one, that practices, writes, sells merchandise, plays shows (maybe even tours). I feel like I got jipped in high school, 'cause even though high school bands hardly ever last, at least they get the experience. I got 3 fake shows (well maybe the one was real enough), a bad website, a bunch of crazy ideas that never happened and a dramatic breakup. I just only wish I'd stuck with the guitar when I first got it, because I would've been good enough at it then to be taken seriously. I feel secure in my ability now, but being a girl in 10th grade that doesn't play guitar very well wasn't the best way to get a band and stay in one.
and I'm getting tired of my older songs, and this isn't good when you've got 16 songs that are done enough to mention, and 10 that are done enough to play (I'm guessing at these numbers here). I feel like since I wrote my latest ones, I put all my old ones to shame and I was never one to throw songs out, but I don't get anything out of playing them anymore. I could just be generalizing, as I do too much. I just feel like I'm struggling for new material when I've already got quite enough to play. this thinking was also probably put into my head by that lims board, someone was defining "professional" and "amateur" musicians. they said professionals play "tried and tested material night after night to new crowds" and amateurs "struggle to play new material for the same crowd on weekends at open mics". so naturally this made me think (and probably offended me, even though I don't consider myself professional). so even though I'm only playing open mics, I'm trying to not have the mentality that I can't play something twice. but doing this, even my new songs are becoming old to me. I can't win.
really I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore and I'm a bit too tired to read this over. I'm also kind of tired of trying to explain and justify myself, as I'm not a writer and don't really like putting my [inconsistent] thoughts into writing. that said, I'm not really sure why I'm a message board junkie.
but because I struggle to give out new material to the fans I don't have on the internet, I recently put up a clip of "away from here", it's on the music page. at least I'm pretty sure I didn't mention that in the last thread, it's kinda hard to tell anymore.
burnt out from doing nothing, I guess. :-/
