Wednesday, May 21, 2014
I'm distracted by the fact that what is real is not in tact
posted by forrestrose @ 5:42 AM

I'm on day 15 so just continue killing me
and I'll adjust to this new need for blood and respiratory speed
and I will fall face down in the undertow of all that I have known
I'm done, it's a shame for all the wars I haven't won
come now, don't take away the things that keep me down
I'm so incapable of standing on my own two feet
let 'em weep, I'm ready to repeat these words
as if I've never ever uttered them before

if I could hold the world in my palm
I would let it liquefy

dead ringer, surround me with familiar
I cannot put my finger on the weather
is it him or just a stranger
and the simple solution isn't simply extracted
I'm distracted by the fact that what is real is not in tact

and I don't know what's up, this must be fiction
I am just fucked up, my luck, insane
and the clock strikes one, what is a name?
and I swing, strike three a.m., lost in space (I'm off my game)

and why are the stars in the sky
why do the living wish to die?


it seems less significant to say
'it snowed on the snowdrops' instead
cherry trees make believe it's twenty eleven
and I'm stuck between the memories of all that's never been
yellow-green brings me to Smithaven
and I'm permanently at the whim of your opinion

I'll carry with me a piece of every
one I have ever loved till the day I die alone
and I'll carry with me each glimpse of defeat
till my battle-worn bones have given up
but how can I change when memory isn't enough


distracted by your presence
distracted by your existence
distracted by my hesitance
and I'm lost here without your
lost here without your assistance

distracted by your indifference
distracted by my insistence
distracted by demands for your immediate attendance

but how can I reveal to you
that all I need's something real from you
and I can only live in this fantasy world for so long
till the movie ends and I am left here hanging

the first song in this group, 'day 15', was inspired by a bad piece of internet fiction-presented-as-truth about sleep deprivation and is about my insomnia and resulting delirium and health effects, and also my disassociation with reality and how I perceive it in fictional/fantastical ways at times of increased stress.  the second is a song about hoarding memories and the constant reminders and parallels you draw when you have a photographic memory.  the third song is unfortunately turning out to be an offshoot of "contentment" but I don't plan on putting them together.  it does reuse a melody that I removed from contentment and I'm glad for that because I really liked it.  this is a tough group of songs to write about, I was just assigned a task by a friend to write about a hardship that I have overcome, and when I read things like this I feel very much like I haven't overcome anything, and am in fact sinking "farther down the rabbit hole" as I await some fictional character to guide me to something that actually feels like "home."  the third of these songs is echoing this mentality that I am afraid I cannot pull myself back into reality and into a life that has any sense of "normalcy" if I am constantly fixated on some idea or another as a form of distraction from the harshness of life.

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