Wednesday, April 30, 2014
if only I could cut these words from the tip of my tongue
posted by forrestrose @ 3:53 AM

the worst is all the fire that you breathe into my lungs
and when you leave me it just smoulders and I'm left with fumes and sludge
if the worst is over, why am I still clutching to my guns?
(will you tell me if I falter, if I step beyond my bounds)
if I can't be forward, why do I keep walking backwards?
(I can't take another love that lives under shadows and overtones)

and when you see me, I will be young
and when you leave me, I will be done

(there's no more can be done)

(slow down, take your time now
my heart stills till it falls out)

if only I could cut these words from the tip of my tongue
and cut out my eyes so I would no longer see you in my reflection
you're only real if I speak your name
"love" only exists scribbled on the scraps that litter my brain, and...
(on the scattered scraps that fill my brain, and)

(come now, you're alive still
don't just lie down and wait for time to burn out)

the earth is all on fire and I've gotten so tired
of trying to save what can't be saved
I'm losing all my patients who were stable
till I made concessions, and left them to this wreck that can't be staved

all along my world was sick
it all has always turned to shit
and all in all this was never all we are
(all in all was never all we are)

(all we knew was all we learned
all we saw was how things turned
all we ever wanted was to love)

oh no, I've sold my soul
oh no, I've stolen it all
oh no, I wish you wouldn't go
(I wish I didn't have to go)
(can I hold on?)

the lyric 'all in all is all we are' in nirvana's 'all apologies' is a reference in its own right to 'all we are is dust in the wind,' but because this song is so dear to my heart and ingrained in my memory, I've rephrased this as 'this was never all we are' to mean that we are not the sum of our past and our memories, we are our potential and our capability, we are to others what they perceive in that moment and we our to ourselves what we believe we are.  another song I refer to in this is 'don't walk backwards' by desirĂ©, a local artist I've known for a long time, because I've always loved this metaphor of not being able to see your future if you focus on your past, and also of not allowing yourself to move forward.  the lyric 'I've stolen it all' is in part a jab at myself for my constant sampling of others' material because I'm so infatuated with song lyrics and have a photographic (phonographic?) memory for melody, and also a general statement of feeling inauthentic in my daily life and personality.  I've also reused the last line ('can I hold on?') from one of my favorite permanently-in-progress songs, tentatively titled 'cast.'  when I was writing this song I was frustrated at the idea that I needed another person's presence in my life to feel 'complete,' or as this lyric suggests, normal and functional.  when we are bombarded with messages of 'I can't live without you,' it's easy to feel irrationally heartbroken.  the second verse ('the earth is all on fire...') was written on earth day and was inspired by my sense of personal failure and feelings of futility when it comes to environmentalism.  it's heartbreaking in itself to find a sense of purpose in life, only to find that it doesn't fit into the life that you choose to lead.

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