Monday, March 03, 2014
"I don't think I'll ever recover"
posted by forrestrose @ 5:36 PM

despite contentment with the content of your character
I will present my presence as a bystander
and I'll pretend this pretense is coincidence
and hope you don't gauge my engagement or this imminence

and I object to you as an object
(and you're the object of my objectification)
try to reset my failure to respect
(the spectacle of my blind speculation)
but I'll descend into the indecent despite it all
(your sinister syllables sink me to salivation)

and I will lay content with my life
(through this rose colored glass)
and through your spectacles
(I will drink to forgetting the past)
you'll see only roses in the words you read
(and I will sink into forgetting my place)

and in this image of tranquility
(and I will spend the time that I'm supposed to feel the most free)
I will escape from the things that possess me
(trying to figure what the fuck would possess me)
but my mind will remain in the place I am running away from
(but my brain will fixate on the things that I can't get away from)

and I keep waiting for these alarms to sound
I'll keep chipping at these walls till they fall down
but all I can hear is the silence between our words
and I have spouted so many more words than I can ever recover from

("and I don't think I'll ever recover")

and in my frantic crunch time just to keep you in my life
I will let you slip by like everything I've ever desired
and I will salt these open wounds with representations of you
and I'll deflect my need for you with inadequate substitutes

failure is inevitable, what's not an option is you
and I'll believe that to succeed is the only way to keep you proud of me
and this will keep me moving when I am ready to fall
and I will follow your example as a means to avoid your call

(if I hold on I can't move on, there's so much more left to be done)
and I'll believe that to succeed is the only way to keep you close to me

as are many of my songs, this song was written in bits and pieces as facebook statuses, notes on my phone, and on-the-fly recordings in my car because I seem to be driving a lot these days.  one of my favorite parts of this is a reference to the phrase "seeing through rose-colored glasses" because we all have a way of glossing over things we don't want to see and making up stories in our minds, and hoping others will see us in the same positive light.  I have a bad habit of judging myself based on what I think another will think of me, usually via reading things I've written-- trying to assess the way I've presented myself "through another's eyes," and when I wrote this I found myself feeling like I would not be judged negatively and it was refreshing, even if deluded.  the title and theme throughout the song is based on the idea that I see contentment, not even happiness but feeling satisfied or just not feeling discontent, as a fictional, unattainable goal.  the line "I will lay content with my life" was a variation of a line I wrote about sitting on the beach and reading, and it's a reflection of this type of fantasy of "happiness", and also about wishing I didn't feel compelled to judge myself or what I've accomplished in life.  I've sampled two songs in this, one is the flatliners' "cynics" which is one that I've been wanting to write a variation on since I heard it, the other is "be strong" because it is my internal anthem and it bleeds into every song I write.  the line "failure is inevitable" was inspired by something a friend wrote about her musical endeavors: "failure is not an option."  I would give anything to feel so determined about anything in life, because anything I want, I believe I don't deserve.  that said, personal success is a very subjective thing that I'm constantly trying to define, and in many aspects of my life I will sacrifice one form of success for the sake of pursuing another.  this song is also very much about transference and attaching abstract representation of a person or goal (ie. going to the beach) to objects or actions that are completely separate, which I have only recently realized how problematic it is in my life.

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