Wednesday, January 11, 2012
pins and ribbons
posted by forrestrose @ 11:12 PM

hold myself together with pins and ribbons
muck through my endeavors with grins and misgivings
gorge myself so I don't starve
fixate on all my maladies and scars
(subsist on only melodies and carbs)

if I could keep this blood in me for just a week (a day, a week, a year)
I could save someone who actually wishes to breathe
(I would gladly trade places with anyone who wishes to be here)

but reasons not to die are not the same as reasons to be alive
(time is money and money is time)
and everything can't ride on some assumption that rewards will come with time
(all I wanted was a little more time)

for all my faults and failings
can I be forgiven
can I hide what's within
behind fabric and pins (clasps and ribbons)

this is to be paired with "dress up" and is related on the fashion note, but not much else. I started this song in november of 2010 and it's sort of an exploration of the irrational thinking you go through in a traumatic situation, and about dressing up and going out and "acting normal." when I was writing this it reminded me, lyrically, of hole's "reason to be beautiful" and how I've sort of always felt the opposite of the line "ten good reasons to stay alive are ten good reasons that I can't find." I've always had things to look forward to and good things in my life, but it doesn't stop the irrational self-loathing and self-destructiveness. the line about trading places is exploring the fact that I feel ungrateful for what I have and have sort of always wanted to know real suffering to put my own pain in perspective. I made a comment about this song "staying finished" because I've had a tendency to add parts to songs after they're done. music has become this non-finite thing for me lately, an abstract melding of sound and life, and much like the things in my life, I never feel any finality to my music. either that makes me a bad songwriter, or just another crazy artist that can't separate their art from the world around them. the line "a day, a week, a year" is "borrowed" from veruca salt's "I'm taking europe with me" and is a mockery of the whole "thing to stay alive for" mentality, since there will always be something to look forward to, or something I haven't accomplished. in the case of this line, it's about donating blood (which I was unfortunately unsuccessful in doing since I "went out like a light bulb") and somehow validating my life by the possibility of saving another's. one of my favorite lines I've ever written is "I've cataloged my life with so many insufficient words, I'm waiting for a time when I can finally feel free, be complete" and it's about this same kind of mentality, that I've always felt like there's so much more I need to say and do before I can even "allow" myself to die, which also goes along with the idea of "finality" and how I have this desire for "completeness," when really life is about change and progression, there is no completion. this is all part of my OCD, of course-- my need to catalog and collect (hoard) all my thoughts/feelings/creations, much like those of all the artists I respect and people I love. I guess I will never escape being "a shining portrait of insanity."

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