Wednesday, December 21, 2011
word games
posted by forrestrose @ 12:47 AM

I'm done, struck dumb, stuck in my ways
of being afraid to get my feet wet
I am terrified of all the things I hide

I'm dumb, struck, I'm stuck in a rut
I'm so shut up in my own head
that every word I cite resounds a thousand times

but all I can do is wait for you to speak
and I am anxiously awaiting all the bullshit that we'll sling

and I know all I have to do is say the word
but the word escapes me
and you say "just say the word"
but I've been blanking

and how can I be sure that I am right?
and how can I take no for an answer tonight?

but all I can do is wait for you to notice
I've been avoiding words that are larger than
the weather and the near future

and I cannot broach this subject
or those eyes you're giving me
stealing glances out of corners
and reflective surfaces

I grimace with every grin I try to hide from you
forgive me for all these things that I tend to do
when it seems like the world's been playing games with you
it's easier just to wait for the word to be spelled out for you


I can choose to embrace or change
I can hide for the rest of my days
I can learn to dance in the rain
but I'll still get cold
won't I

drown me in the sound
waves crashing to the ground
my head is in the clouds
but my feet are sinking down

I'm mother teresa
amongst the starving youth
but I cannot help others
if I cannot help myself, and
all these years spent
wasting all my breath
oh I cannot sit here just
waiting for his grip, and

all the way down
I wait for your sound
I try to call your name
but nothing comes out


all that road is far behind
but I can't seem to avert my eyes
from the rear view

oh, but I don't know if that's true
I do, I do, believe I am through
with dwelling in the past
I'll feel no more regret
I will never rest


the night bleeds futility
the day, it breeds apathy
and all I'm wanting is a little empathy
but I am too entrenched to give any

with all the worry I expend
there is no more of me to lend
and all of this hostility
is draining all of my energy


once I fill up the pages of this book
I will rewrite the words in a new order
I will repeat the worst of all my luck
I will recite the warnings as rewards


the last two of these I lost the guitar parts to when I lost my phone :( I thought I'd post these all at once because I haven't posted anything in a while (with the exception of tweets and facebook posts), I also have a few more that aren't ready yet. the first is actually a finished song that I've been working on for far too long. I think the most telling thing about what I've written during this past year is not what's there, but what isn't-- subjects that are too difficult to write about, and the fact that anything I write about anyone else is, in reality, still about me. there are a few lines I want to go into here, which will probably totally negate their artistic value if I actually talk about them...

the line "I cannot sit here just waiting for his grip" is a play on the phrase "death's grip" and has everything to do with the cliché of rhyming "breath" with "death." the line "I can learn to dance in the rain" is a reference to a quote by vivian greene that says "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain." I could probably write a novel about the lines in this song alone, but I'll get to that when the song is finished, the only other thing I want to clarify is that the line "drown me in the sound waves crashing to the ground" should be read as such and is about music, but the song is full of double meanings and the line is (obviously?) also about feeling overwhelmed. the last part of the song is one I wrote years ago and it's about expecting someone to drop in that you know isn't coming.

the line "avoiding words that are larger than the weather..." is a play on the phrase "small talk," the song is called "word games" and is thus full of wordplay (like most of my songs). another thing I wanted to mention is that the line "the day, it breeds apathy" was inspired by something my mother said: "well, don't get too apathetic." it's hard for me to put that in context, but I repeat it to myself daily as a reminder of her wisdom and strength. the line "I will never rest" was inspired by something in a newspaper called "the bilingual" that was showing phrases in both english and spanish, one of which was "we never rest" and it struck me as being one of those things that's so inadequately translated (like when people say to me "I'm just watching" rather than "I'm just looking" because they don't understand that they mean different things, why would they?), and I loved the concept. if it had said "we party all night" it would not have been nearly as eloquent or meaningful. I often struggle with my tendency to find meaning in simplistic things like that, but it is the basis of my "artistry" and I don't know any other way. the line "I can choose to embrace or change" is about accepting myself and my own personal "madness" or making the effort to change what I don't like about myself, which has sort of been a theme throughout my life.

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