posted by forrestrose @ 2:06 PM
and I can see her beyond you
skulking away into the next room
you soak her blue right into you
and I cannot find a way to keep you grey (to make you stay)
but I won't let her take away
the only sweet that I can taste
(the only substance that I crave)
so I, in vain, release my rage
(so I invade your every space)
and I can only say that "if circumstances were changed..."
(I can only say I'm not really so deranged)
willow will you think I am cruel
if I continue to make the same mistake
this is about a really creepy dream I had. I was chasing and violently beating a girl (who at one point was visually represented by a piece of blue willow ware china) after she'd discovered me making a move on her man (I can't say this phrase with a straight face). in a moment of lucidity, I tried to tell her that I really thought she was cool and that she didn't deserve what I was doing to her. the "same mistake" line was borrowed from/is a reference to an old song I wrote and was originally "I keep on making the same mistake," speaking of my adolescent pattern of obsessive infatuation, and in this scenario, my animosity toward the girlfriends (and other girls they interacted with) of the people I was infatuated with (which reminds me of the line in veruca salt's "never met her," that says "I'll never let you make me hate a girl that way").
like most of my songs, I'm not sure whether it's finished or not, and I could probably afford to write more to it. it occurs to me that if I didn't layer my lyrics, I could have whole other verses and my songs would be a lot longer, but jumbling all my words together into a confusing auditory mess is my idea of fun.
and all the while I kept repeating
feelings (the things) a child would believe in
and I've been longing for the day I'll be able
to live without fear of the creature that
the night will turn me to
and all the blackened blue I'm covering you in
may not be the way to say I
envy every inch of you that he appreciates
and I am covered in the blood of every
woman that I've bathed in all the
animosity I breed with all the love I make
(I'm splayed with all the
insecurities I feed with all the love I waste)
one single throw and every eye in the room is fixed on me
to them I know she's just an unsuspecting casualty
I count to three and every part of me seethes with rage
for you I suppose I am a shining portrait of insanity
this has been finished for a while, I wanted to write some more alternate lyrics (namely pairing "longing" with "lonely"), but I couldn't come up with anything worthwhile. this song is up on myspace (to make room, I put "breaking down" up for download on my site) and there's also a live version (where I totally forgot the words) up on the shows page. I think this song would sound really good on acoustic because it's supposed to be jazzy/bluesy and the percussive quality of an acoustic guitar would work very well with it (the live verion is acoustic, so you can see what I mean), that or I should just add some jazzy drums. and yes, I know that my lead guitar (and flute) sounds just like "fault lines." but whatever.
I borrowed some inspiration from this post for the "animosity" line, also from the song I was talking about I borrowed the concept of "wasting love" (I'd post the line from the song, but it's really not very good). and the "insanity" line was something I kept saying to myself, that I'm a "shining portrait of mental illness," inspired in part by the fry & laurie sketch "where is the lid?" where he says "...hugh 'excellent sermon vicar' laurie, who died suddenly today after a merciful accident that released him from years of painful mental illness." the "creature" line is about the violent and rageful dreams that I have, and also about the fits that I've had late at night (as louise post says, "the night is the hardest time"). but really it's about me being a werewolf. I threw "seethes with rage" in there as an allusion to veruca salt's "seether." I've always loved nina gordon's description of the lyrics and I think it's very fitting for this song, she talks about having a vision of rubbing a girl's face against the pavement and being surprised that she could think such a thing, like there's a whole other part of her that's full of rage and violence that she has to stifle (I'm paraphrasing here because I can't find the actual interview). at the end of the song I sampled a guitar part from a lyric-less song I wrote that I thought sounded too much like steph sandman's "put me to shame" to do anything with (which is why I titled it "shame"), but I think it's probably not that similar and maybe I'll put it up one day. it's a cool, creepy sounding, short little song. and I almost don't want to say it, but does anyone notice the counting 1-4 in the last verse? I keep doing things like this and I can never be sure how obvious it is. oh, and the reason for the counting, if that is also not obvious, is that I'm counting punches. in the dream she was lying on the ground and was sitting over her punching her again and again. I blame tv for all this.