Wednesday, November 10, 2010
if I dream my life away, I know, it'll never come true
posted by forrestrose @ 5:59 PM

at what point do I give up on you
at what point do I begin to see the truth
that I just cannot resign myself
to a life that feels no love
oh but all this time can't count for nothing

I can tell you're not about to bring me roses
and I am surely not expecting any rings
but if all this time ain't worth a dime
I hope you don't leave me spent and dry


I think this is worthless and I'm not sure why I'm posting it (to prove that I actually wrote something, maybe?). but of course I need to clarify that this isn't meant to be materialistic, it's more about the symbology surrounding the materials mentioned than the materials themselves, and this song has absolutely nothing to do with money. I wrote the first part of this last december (holy crap).

---

if I dress up for you, do I lessen myself
if I look up to you, do I defeat myself
if I stand up to you, do I villify myself
(if I stand up for you, do I objectify myself)
if I fess up to you, can I redeem myself

stormy waters set ablaze
well it's no wonder I'm afraid (I can't say)
oh but I can feel you calling my name
(oh that I can feel you coursing through my veins)
and I know I will never be the same (breathe again)

if I stand here
waiting on you
if I stand here, I know
you'll never come through

if I dream my life away
I could dream of being you
if I dream my life away, I know
it'll never come true
it'll never come true


I love this song, but I sort of hate the "bridge" because it's nonsensical and sounds pretentious to me. this song is about my relationships/interaction with men in general (from a kind of pseudo-feminist perspective) along with my tendency to idolize people, the second line was very much inspired by the Flatliners' "Hal Johnson Smokes Cigarettes" and a misunderstood lyric in it, which goes (but really doesn't) "when all you've idolized is dead and gone you'll realize your worth" but the real line sort of holds the same meaning, to me anyway (it really says "you'll realize you've won").

---

and here's another song I wrote forever ago, while I'm at it:


and I'd be lying if I
said I didn't feel the pangs in my abdomen
as I shame myself into staying silent

and I'd be crazy if I
didn't think that you'd be gone in a moment
if I wasn't your only token

and I hate that I
was just your backup plan, but I am no more earnest
and I'm wary of making too much of this

when all my debts are paid
and all my things are squirreled away
(I know I'll never have this squared away)
I hope you'll be there
I have always imagined you there

but all I need is a way
to feel love without the rage

---

I'm terrified that I don't know how to write anymore, and I want more than ever to write with other musicians to spark my dwindling creativity, but I'm stubborn and controlling and generally difficult to work with, and not to mention flaky. I've let so many opportunities fall through because I'm too afraid to stand up and go for it. I want so badly to pack a bag and travel somewhere, go on tour, whatever (this may be a way of wanting to hide from the difficulties in my life, and it's not a time that would actually be appropriate, but it's something that needs to happen eventually). I think of the line "I wish for air to breathe and miles to see" almost every day, which makes me think of "Yune" by Parade:

"winding roads and windy hair
tangles pull from every strand
my fingers cupping every breeze
I can see everything"


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