I'm a 28 year old singer/songwriter from eastern Long Island. I've been playing since I was 15, and performing solo since I was 18. I'm very verbose except when it comes to writing biographies and blurbs for my website, so I'll let my music my journal speak for themselves.
If you feel the need, please contact me. I love offers for shows, just saying.
but when will I learn that not all
desire has to be all or none
so I'm "over you" and need someone new
to occupy my mind from the boredom "real life" induces
so I'll distract myself by becoming someone else
but I'll never realize roles I unrealistically assume
(until they realize that I am not what they assume)
but when will I learn that not all
the impulses I feel, do I have to follow
----
and you were just a symptom'f my disorderly life and
I am just a victim'f my need to be victimized and
I am sure these roads will be cleared
but I can't see past debris that we've collected here
and I will need assistance deconstructing this design and
we are just the victims of a system in decline and
no one knows where we go from here
but we can be lost together in collective fear
and I will count the minutes till we find some peace of mind and
we adjust the hours just to fall back into line
(just in time to fall behind)
I can't believe we still believe that anything is meant to be this way
(I don't believe in anything anyway)
(don't believe our destinies are fated)
don't hold on too tight to the concept of "right" and
don't hang on too long to the ones who're bound to wrong you and
don't be afraid, these things are sure to take your breath away
(why are you so fearful when everyone can feel fulfilled this way)
----
up and then down, can't
figure me out, and
up and down, I
play along now
I'm riding it out
(weeeeee)
up and at 'em
I shower in song
(feed on recollection)
and recollection
in and out, and
over then around, can't
figure you out
I'm sick of these rounds
of certain then doubt
(weeeeee)
see what happens
when you let life happen
(when you see what happens)
----
wipe the disappointment from my eyes
I feel it festering beside the lines
and honesty is not your best policy
I fear I'm walking into a time bomb
plummeting in our falling out
emptiness is calling now
communication dying out
all the words are silent now
I've surely written all of these almost entirely via twitter and facebook posts, but I felt they deserved to be read as a whole, both individually and as a group of songs. the only one I'd like to comment on is "disorder" and how it draws a parallel between societal/social decline and mental illness. both that there seems to be a correlation between the rise of mental illness and the downturn of our society, and that the elements of a person's life-- social relationships, responsibilities, etc., parallel the workings (or non-workings in this case) of a society. the line about anything being "meant to be" is a commentary on ideas like "soul mates" and fate, and also about how we are taught to believe our society is "supposed to" be the way it is, but "supposed to" and "should" are opinions. the line about "the concept of right" is also about my rejection of the idea of "soul mates," as well as how subjective "right and wrong" can be.
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Tuesday, July 31, 2012
11:11
posted by rosebleed @ 11:15 AM
make a wish and wish me luck I'll let you string me along just to stay in knots could we sweep away what we can't sleep off and when will our dreams surpass the ticking clock
and the time's playing tricks on me I can't find all the words to bleed and my mind flies faster than the bullets you continually shoot at me
one day I'll wake up and this will all be over with I swore I would not ever feel this way, not ever again I'll keep repeating all the words that I have never said and everything that I neglect will just decay into sand
and all the words are lies and the black won't shine in the light and the fire won't burn if there's no way to ignite
we're wide and weary eyed how long have we been sitting in the dark how many times have we let our ears go blind
sunny day, sweepin' the clouds away I'm on my way to where the air is sweet and everything is A-OK
if it's not bad country music inspiring my songs, it's bad pop music. I can't write a three chord song and NOT feel like I'm ripping off every song in the universe, but I will deal with the would-be plagiarism as I realize it. I've intentionally sampled the sesame street theme here, which the nerd in me is very pleased with. as far as unintentional goes, the "bullets" line may be a little to similar to "pumped up kicks" (as in "you better run, better run, faster than my bullet") but I'm too happy with the wordplay and flatliners reference ("these words are bullets") to change it. this song is just choc-full of references and I don't know if I can even list them all. many are coincidental, some are intentional. mostly they are references to flatliners, less than jake, veruca salt, and rorie kelly songs, as well as my own. my crazy brain is stuck on this notion of inter-connectedness that it can't seem to break free from. what inspired this song was that I saw 11:11 on the clock and I was feeling hopeful at the time, so I made a wish, not because I believe the superstition, but it seemed like a fun thing/the right thing to do at the time. you always hear "never tell what you wished for or it won't come true," but I'll be honest, I've only ever wished for happiness. and I assume that's what everyone wishes for, if not happiness itself, then something that is an avenue to happiness, or even for the happiness of others. I know that is probably short-sighted and telling of my mental state. the line about "letting our ears go blind" is both about failing to really listen to another person, that whole idea of "waiting for your turn to speak," and also about failing to recognize that you're in a bad situation, or just failing to do anything about it.
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Monday, June 25, 2012
high maintenance
posted by rosebleed @ 11:02 PM
dear self, please, get out'the way
I'm on my last nerve today
I'm almost ready to fall in place
I'm almost ready to break your face
mirror, mirror, why do you betray
everyone that stands in your way
what do you expect me to see
when all you portray is out of place
wake up, it's just another day
full of debts that you cannot repay
how much can I really undertake
with all this weight on my fragile frame
can you handle it
can you handle it
can you handle it
all the maintenance
can you handle it
can you handle it
can you handle it
all this maintenance
-------------------------------
why would I think that to take my pain away would mean enduring it yourself and
why would I think that to take your charity would be a betrayal to myself and
why would I think that this is the only way
why would I think if I couldn't take your pain away it would be a reflection of my worth and
why would I think that to take the easy way would be insulting my endurance
why would I think that there is no other way
why would I think that to take your charity would be an insult to my worth and
why would I think that to take my pain away would add to all that you endure and
why would I think that this is the only way
why would I think that to take your pain away would mean enduring it myself and
why would I think that to take the easy way would be a denial of ourselves and
why would I think that there is no other way
both works in progress, the first is a would-be ska tune that's totally upbeat and fun, despite being about my ineptitude at "real life." the second is a sway-y ballad that I so want to make into a round, but am having a bit of a hard time with. they both need a bit of filler in between "verses", and the second I'm likely going to mix with an old song, "control," that has the same guitar chords. and I have to say that I'm impressed with the amount of syllables I've fit into this song. I feel like this song is musically inspired by all the horrible pop music I've been listening to at work, but I think that's neat in a way. lyrically it was inspired by something a friend said to me that I completely misinterpreted because I'm vain and think in extremes, which is really what this is about, overthinking/irrational thinking, and challenging your own perceptions. the line about "charity" is about my inability to take gifts graciously, I'm constantly resistant and guilt-ridden about it. ten points if you remember the House episode on the same subject. and also, "there is no other way" is a bit of a self-reference to "no other way to live." my favorite line in this is the "denial of ourselves" line, because it's my way of saying that we try to make everything easy on ourselves to our own detriment, but I take it to the extreme sometimes and will do things that are way more difficult than necessary, also to my own detriment.
and every waking thought and dream
is permeated with my latest scheme and
denigration, yes, it seems to be
the only thing that I am versed in feeling
(always seem to be immersed in feeling)
every time I hold it in I am amassing all this weight
I hesitate to be the one to break the ice
(I cannot waste anymore time on passing time)
but I am freezing in this lake inside my mind
(but I am frozen in place, unsatisfied)
every wasted thought and dream
is dedicated to the latest thing and
everyone set in my scene is
contemplated till they're running, reeling
(debilitated by the silent screaming)
but where would I be if I stopped
running in circles till I drop
burnt out on phonographic love
these things will never be enough
(dedication, yes, it seems to be
the only thing that I have left)
---
how can I sleep
when I'm shoulder deep in my woes
and what could I see
if I'd only retreat from these walls
so fast the time goes
but still I move so slow
sixty to zero
can you not expect me to be thrown?
-----------------------------------------
I've been calling, you've been stalling
you're a tiger and I'm in blinders
I've been longing all these long days
just to finally put this behind me
we've been dancing around this all night
we're like lovers trapped in mortar
time is lonely, time is only
a reminder of what's behind us
---
we've been on this road for too long just to reach a dead end
if all paths lead here, then how can we ever get there?
if I believe it hard enough then can I make it real?
(if I concede to make-believe then maybe we could settle for dreams)
I fall for fiction, abandon reason, cannot find my path to freedom
(and all that you have given me, how can I simply let this be)
in the night I come to life and maybe I'm just a wolf in flight
(the end is nigh and why can't I just gather up the will to fight)
and all the words and songs I sing could never portray what this means to me
(after all the songs and all your ease, how can I say what you mean to me?)
my apologies for ripping off the line in less than jake's "overrated" that says "I'm a wreck, I'm a mess," I was sure I'd heard it before but used it anyway. as usual I think it's kind of neat ripping off something like that because once I know, it becomes sort of a tribute to that artist/song. I've done this almost more times than I can count. "phonographic love" is another "victrola" reference in a way, but is really about sort of replacing people with music and, while finding an immense amount of love in it, not being emotionally satisfied by it. the second part of this is another song I'm going to couple with it, because I keep writing songs in twos. it's a darker variation of the same musical theme.
the second (pair of) song(s) is likely going to be a couplet of songs called "tiger" and "wolf." I've stared at an article that's been posted at my job over the past year and it talks about comparing people to animals and what animal you would say a person most resembles, so this song, or songs, is based on that concept. the funny thing is, I compare myself both to a horse and a wolf, neither of which I would ever have chosen for myself prior to writing this. I chose a wolf because they are initially timid and cautious animals toward people and the unknown, but are inquisitive and social (with the added bonus of it being a reference to the flatliners' "party wolf club"). and I'm a horse in blinders because I see what I want to see and can't see things that will cause me pain coming. the line "if all paths lead here" is like that whole "tomorrow, you're always a day away" concept, if we're always here, in the present, then "there" is just an abstract concept, like time. it's about the whole struggle between "living in the present" and "planning for the future."
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Wednesday, January 11, 2012
pins and ribbons
posted by rosebleed @ 11:12 PM
hold myself together with pins and ribbons muck through my endeavors with grins and misgivings gorge myself so I don't starve fixate on all my maladies and scars (subsist on only melodies and carbs)
if I could keep this blood in me for just a week (a day, a week, a year) I could save someone who actually wishes to breathe (I would gladly trade places with anyone who wishes to be here)
but reasons not to die are not the same as reasons to be alive (time is money and money is time) and everything can't ride on some assumption that rewards will come with time (all I wanted was a little more time)
for all my faults and failings can I be forgiven can I hide what's within behind fabric and pins (clasps and ribbons)
this is to be paired with "dress up" and is related on the fashion note, but not much else. I started this song in november of 2010 and it's sort of an exploration of the irrational thinking you go through in a traumatic situation, and about dressing up and going out and "acting normal." when I was writing this it reminded me, lyrically, of hole's "reason to be beautiful" and how I've sort of always felt the opposite of the line "ten good reasons to stay alive are ten good reasons that I can't find." I've always had things to look forward to and good things in my life, but it doesn't stop the irrational self-loathing and self-destructiveness. the line about trading places is exploring the fact that I feel ungrateful for what I have and have sort of always wanted to know real suffering to put my own pain in perspective. I made a comment about this song "staying finished" because I've had a tendency to add parts to songs after they're done. music has become this non-finite thing for me lately, an abstract melding of sound and life, and much like the things in my life, I never feel any finality to my music. either that makes me a bad songwriter, or just another crazy artist that can't separate their art from the world around them. the line "a day, a week, a year" is "borrowed" from veruca salt's "I'm taking europe with me" and is a mockery of the whole "thing to stay alive for" mentality, since there will always be something to look forward to, or something I haven't accomplished. in the case of this line, it's about donating blood (which I was unfortunately unsuccessful in doing since I "went out like a light bulb") and somehow validating my life by the possibility of saving another's. one of my favorite lines I've ever written is "I've cataloged my life with so many insufficient words, I'm waiting for a time when I can finally feel free, be complete" and it's about this same kind of mentality, that I've always felt like there's so much more I need to say and do before I can even "allow" myself to die, which also goes along with the idea of "finality" and how I have this desire for "completeness," when really life is about change and progression, there is no completion. this is all part of my OCD, of course-- my need to catalog and collect (hoard) all my thoughts/feelings/creations, much like those of all the artists I respect and people I love. I guess I will never escape being "a shining portrait of insanity."
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Wednesday, December 21, 2011
everything I say will be cemented in some hopeless, terrifying shape
posted by rosebleed @ 2:08 AM
while I'm posting finished songs, I figure I'll post two songs that have been done for a while that I never posted lyrics to, one is on my myspace page ("oh, dear"), the other ("tied down") will surface eventually. I would say I make no apologies for these songs, because the songs are, themselves, apologies (it makes me wonder if I've been writing that way for my whole life?), but I do want to say that "tied down" was based on a misinterpretation/misconception and is, in effect, a piece of pseudo-fiction... its "addendum" (the last part, which is not in the recording) is reflecting on this. and I'm hoping the reciting of the alphabet in "oh, dear" is distinguishable, the letters A through K are buried in the all the lines of the "chorus." the middle part of this song is a slightly older song I decided to marry with this one because they worked together.
oh dear, oh dear, I'm sorry to say it's so easy to think of you this way I never thought I could entertain this delusion, this child's play I wonder if I have ever really changed
my dear, my dear, I've been meaning to say I don't envy that people think of you this way we hang onto your every phrase it's ritual to violate your privacy but is this a price you should pay
a beseeching melody accompanies your effigy (a·b·c·d·e·f·g I feel like I am still thirteen) but a child isn't as jaded as me (still I sing your cadence in my sleep)
dear me, dear me, I think I'm crazy I've dotted every t, but my ends won't seem to meet (cross my eyes and hope to bleed)
what if I will never see any of the things that I had hoped I would achieve at this point I'd settle for being ordinary in the middle of the night I'm so afraid that I have wasted my life and everything I say will be cemented in some hopeless, terrifying shape oh but when did I succumb to this debilitating rage
oh dear, oh dear, I'm sorry to say (I've been meaning to say) it's so easy to think of you this way (I don't envy that people think of you this way) I never thought I could entertain this delusion, this child's play (a beseeching melody accompanies your effigy) but a child isn't as jaded as me (still I sing your cadence in my sleep)
a beseeching melody accompanies your effigy but a child isn't as jaded as me (I wonder if I'll change, I wonder if this game will end in only pain) a·b·c·d·e·f·g I feel like I am still fourteen but a child isn't as jaded as me (I wonder if I'll change, I wonder will this game end in only pain) a beseeching melody accompanies your effigy but a child isn't as jaded as me (I wonder if I'll change, I wonder if this game will end in only pain) (I wonder will this game end in only pain) a·b·c·d·e·f·g I feel like I am still fifteen but a child isn't as jaded as me oh dear me
---
drunken thank-you's warm-hearted reflections spilling over with best of intentions push my boundaries and question inflections falling into this trap of deception
you can't be tied down you can't be won over so easily you can't be expected to love everyone that wishes to be tied down, needed by you so pick and choose do what you'll do
and I can't blame you for the girl that you snuck off with last night and I can't blame you for tripping over me so invisibly in your way so afraid to feel this way so afraid to meet your gaze
and your eyes sparkle like the lights are always shining on them and I am struck down by all the times I've caught my reflection in them (they've fallen in my direction) and there is no way for me to say that I have been captured by them and there is no way that I will play the role of the love-struck super-fan
and now all that I feel is shame and I cannot believe that I've really laid out this claim and I'm wandering past your lane (and I'm circling 'round your domain) and I cannot sit still but I cannot play out this game
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word games
posted by rosebleed @ 12:47 AM
I'm done, struck dumb, stuck in my ways of being afraid to get my feet wet I am terrified of all the things I hide
I'm dumb, struck, I'm stuck in a rut I'm so shut up in my own head that every word I cite resounds a thousand times
but all I can do is wait for you to speak and I am anxiously awaiting all the bullshit that we'll sling
and I know all I have to do is say the word but the word escapes me and you say "just say the word" but I've been blanking
and how can I be sure that I am right? and how can I take no for an answer tonight?
but all I can do is wait for you to notice I've been avoiding words that are larger than the weather and the near future
and I cannot broach this subject or those eyes you're giving me stealing glances out of corners and reflective surfaces
I grimace with every grin I try to hide from you forgive me for all these things that I tend to do when it seems like the world's been playing games with you it's easier just to wait for the word to be spelled out for you
---
I can choose to embrace or change I can hide for the rest of my days I can learn to dance in the rain but I'll still get cold won't I
drown me in the sound waves crashing to the ground my head is in the clouds but my feet are sinking down
I'm mother teresa amongst the starving youth but I cannot help others if I cannot help myself, and all these years spent wasting all my breath oh I cannot sit here just waiting for his grip, and
all the way down I wait for your sound I try to call your name but nothing comes out
---
all that road is far behind but I can't seem to avert my eyes from the rear view
oh, but I don't know if that's true I do, I do, believe I am through with dwelling in the past I'll feel no more regret I will never rest
---
the night bleeds futility the day, it breeds apathy and all I'm wanting is a little empathy but I am too entrenched to give any
with all the worry I expend there is no more of me to lend and all of this hostility is draining all of my energy
---
once I fill up the pages of this book I will rewrite the words in a new order I will repeat the worst of all my luck I will recite the warnings as rewards
---
the last two of these I lost the guitar parts to when I lost my phone :( I thought I'd post these all at once because I haven't posted anything in a while (with the exception of tweets and facebook posts), I also have a few more that aren't ready yet. the first is actually a finished song that I've been working on for far too long. I think the most telling thing about what I've written during this past year is not what's there, but what isn't-- subjects that are too difficult to write about, and the fact that anything I write about anyone else is, in reality, still about me. there are a few lines I want to go into here, which will probably totally negate their artistic value if I actually talk about them...
the line "I cannot sit here just waiting for his grip" is a play on the phrase "death's grip" and has everything to do with the cliché of rhyming "breath" with "death." the line "I can learn to dance in the rain" is a reference to a quote by vivian greene that says "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain." I could probably write a novel about the lines in this song alone, but I'll get to that when the song is finished, the only other thing I want to clarify is that the line "drown me in the sound waves crashing to the ground" should be read as such and is about music, but the song is full of double meanings and the line is (obviously?) also about feeling overwhelmed. the last part of the song is one I wrote years ago and it's about expecting someone to drop in that you know isn't coming.
the line "avoiding words that are larger than the weather..." is a play on the phrase "small talk," the song is called "word games" and is thus full of wordplay (like most of my songs). another thing I wanted to mention is that the line "the day, it breeds apathy" was inspired by something my mother said: "well, don't get too apathetic." it's hard for me to put that in context, but I repeat it to myself daily as a reminder of her wisdom and strength. the line "I will never rest" was inspired by something in a newspaper called "the bilingual" that was showing phrases in both english and spanish, one of which was "we never rest" and it struck me as being one of those things that's so inadequately translated (like when people say to me "I'm just watching" rather than "I'm just looking" because they don't understand that they mean different things, why would they?), and I loved the concept. if it had said "we party all night" it would not have been nearly as eloquent or meaningful. I often struggle with my tendency to find meaning in simplistic things like that, but it is the basis of my "artistry" and I don't know any other way. the line "I can choose to embrace or change" is about accepting myself and my own personal "madness" or making the effort to change what I don't like about myself, which has sort of been a theme throughout my life.
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Saturday, January 08, 2011
blue willow
posted by rosebleed @ 2:06 PM
and I can see her beyond you skulking away into the next room you soak her blue right into you and I cannot find a way to keep you grey (to make you stay)
but I won't let her take away the only sweet that I can taste (the only substance that I crave) so I, in vain, release my rage (so I invade your every space) and I can only say that "if circumstances were changed..." (I can only say I'm not really so deranged)
willow will you think I am cruel if I continue to make the same mistake
this is about a really creepy dream I had. I was chasing and violently beating a girl (who at one point was visually represented by a piece of blue willow ware china) after she'd discovered me making a move on her man (I can't say this phrase with a straight face). in a moment of lucidity, I tried to tell her that I really thought she was cool and that she didn't deserve what I was doing to her. the "same mistake" line was borrowed from/is a reference to an old song I wrote and was originally "I keep on making the same mistake," speaking of my adolescent pattern of obsessive infatuation, and in this scenario, my animosity toward the girlfriends (and other girls they interacted with) of the people I was infatuated with (which reminds me of the line in veruca salt's "never met her," that says "I'll never let you make me hate a girl that way").
like most of my songs, I'm not sure whether it's finished or not, and I could probably afford to write more to it. it occurs to me that if I didn't layer my lyrics, I could have whole other verses and my songs would be a lot longer, but jumbling all my words together into a confusing auditory mess is my idea of fun.
2/9/11
and all the while I kept repeating feelings (the things) a child would believe in and I've been longing for the day I'll be able to live without fear of the creature that the night will turn me to
and all the blackened blue I'm covering you in may not be the way to say I envy every inch of you that he appreciates and I am covered in the blood of every woman that I've bathed in all the animosity I breed with all the love I make (I'm splayed with all the insecurities I feed with all the love I waste)
one single throw and every eye in the room is fixed on me to them I know she's just an unsuspecting casualty I count to three and every part of me seethes with rage for you I suppose I am a shining portrait of insanity
this has been finished for a while, I wanted to write some more alternate lyrics (namely pairing "longing" with "lonely"), but I couldn't come up with anything worthwhile. this song is up on myspace (to make room, I put "breaking down" up for download on my site) and there's also a live version (where I totally forgot the words) up on the shows page. I think this song would sound really good on acoustic because it's supposed to be jazzy/bluesy and the percussive quality of an acoustic guitar would work very well with it (the live verion is acoustic, so you can see what I mean), that or I should just add some jazzy drums. and yes, I know that my lead guitar (and flute) sounds just like "fault lines." but whatever.
I borrowed some inspiration from this post for the "animosity" line, also from the song I was talking about I borrowed the concept of "wasting love" (I'd post the line from the song, but it's really not very good). and the "insanity" line was something I kept saying to myself, that I'm a "shining portrait of mental illness," inspired in part by the fry & laurie sketch "where is the lid?" where he says "...hugh 'excellent sermon vicar' laurie, who died suddenly today after a merciful accident that released him from years of painful mental illness." the "creature" line is about the violent and rageful dreams that I have, and also about the fits that I've had late at night (as louise post says, "the night is the hardest time"). but really it's about me being a werewolf. I threw "seethes with rage" in there as an allusion to veruca salt's "seether." I've always loved nina gordon's description of the lyrics and I think it's very fitting for this song, she talks about having a vision of rubbing a girl's face against the pavement and being surprised that she could think such a thing, like there's a whole other part of her that's full of rage and violence that she has to stifle (I'm paraphrasing here because I can't find the actual interview). at the end of the song I sampled a guitar part from a lyric-less song I wrote that I thought sounded too much like steph sandman's "put me to shame" to do anything with (which is why I titled it "shame"), but I think it's probably not that similar and maybe I'll put it up one day. it's a cool, creepy sounding, short little song. and I almost don't want to say it, but does anyone notice the counting 1-4 in the last verse? I keep doing things like this and I can never be sure how obvious it is. oh, and the reason for the counting, if that is also not obvious, is that I'm counting punches. in the dream she was lying on the ground and was sitting over her punching her again and again. I blame tv for all this.
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Wednesday, November 10, 2010
one armed bandit
posted by rosebleed @ 6:54 PM
choose your words carefully, like you always do don't want them to be the last you'll ever choose I fear I didn't come prepared for my life to hang on some paper and woven thread
I see so many different sides (try to see it through your eyes) I hope I'm not worth ruining your life (I hope it's not worth taking my life) o hilarity, be still me, bring me to reality guts wrenching, senses flailing futility wafting through the air (my mind's everywhere but here)
so pull the arm down and you'll lose more than you have found (will I lose all I've helped to found) so pull the arm down all my change will come pouring out (and the change will come pouring out)
I feel like I have to write this post, because I've been putting it off for so long. and I want to say I think it's hilarious how much meaning I place behind each seemingly simplistic line of my writing. instead of using my perpetual verbosity to explain what I mean, I write vague lines that are often specific references to things I've read or events I've experienced. I find this endearing in a way, but it's also very frustrating because I've never actually sat down and written down what all of these references are (which is what this journal is for, really). so all of that gets lost on listeners/readers (do I have any of those?) or even lost from my memory and I'm left with vague, simplistic lines and not much to show for my writing skills. that said, I want to go into what the song "one armed bandit" is about a little bit.
the drummer of my favorite band, vinnie from less than jake, wrote a blog entry about getting mugged (the only copy of this blog post I was able to find is here, it's the one entitled "50 STATES. part2.," his blog is located at pickyourpoisons.com). while his description of the incident makes it seem like he wasn't actually in any real danger, the thought of him getting shot made me feel horrible. for some reason, I put myself in his shoes and wrote this song in first person (the second person is him[me] speaking to himself[myself], confusing, no?). this granted me a little artistic license to include some ideas that I feel like he may not share about this particular situation. specifically, I thought about how when someone goes from petty robbery to murder, that's a life-changing event that is sort of a point of no return, until that point there's still hope that a person can turn their life around. the line about not being prepared is not only talking about being mentally prepared, but about him only carrying a small amount of money and the dangerous position it put him in when being robbed, and of course "paper and woven thread" is a reference to money, even though he didn't actually have any paper money, and money is neither paper (it's made of linen) nor woven, but it sounds nice anyway. "o hilarity, be still me, bring me to reality" is obviously talking about him laughing, with a bit of a shakespearean/old style writing twist, that "O ____" is something I find myself saying a lot (I once said "O Gratuity" in reaction to The Lovemakers' on-stage antics), I probably picked this up from someone (and not from the writing it originated from) because I'm not really that clever. the "be still" is from "be still my beating heart" which has become a cliche in itself, and I just thought it fit with the writing style. the line "guts wrenching" is talking about the knot in his stomach, but is supposed to invoke the thought of gore, since I'm talking about being shot, and that and "senses flailing" are my way of twisting cliches around to suit my purposes (which I love doing), and the latter makes me think of the band "senses fail" which has nothing to do with this song, other than the fact that I'm writing about someone in a band. I have to apologize for my mispronunciation of "wafting," I guess I'd only ever seen it in print before including it in the song. I like the long A vowel sound in the song, and I think the short A sounds bad, so I've thought about changing the word entirely-- I've considered the word "drifting" because the short I sounds better than the A, but that doesn't have the benefit of invoking the thought of a smell. that line is about him smelling the food he was on his way to buy, but no longer could, and also the futility of the robber's attempt. when talking about "the arm" I'm speaking of vinnie's reference to a slot machine, but it's also metaphor for the trigger of the gun. the robber is taking a gamble by robbing, since he doesn't know how much he'll get and he runs the risk of getting arrested, but if he resorts to shooting someone, then as I said previously, his life will be irreversibly changed (hence the double meaning of "change will come pouring out"). the title is a slang term for a slot machine, and also a reference to the robber, both that he's one (as in singular) "armed" (as in carrying a weapon) bandit, and "one armed" as in not very good at what he does, or not well equipped, based on vinnie's description of him.
I'm not sure if this song is actually finished, but I like it where it ends so it's fine for now. some of this description may seem obvious to some people (especially after reading vinnie's blog post), but I felt the need to explain it, and I know I love reading lyricists' explanations of their writing (I just wish my actual writing [and not my lyrics] was a little more eloquent and well-formed, this is probably pretty painful to read).
I can tell you're not about to bring me roses and I am surely not expecting any rings but if all this time ain't worth a dime I hope you don't leave me spent and dry
I think this is worthless and I'm not sure why I'm posting it (to prove that I actually wrote something, maybe?). but of course I need to clarify that this isn't meant to be materialistic, it's more about the symbology surrounding the materials mentioned than the materials themselves, and this song has absolutely nothing to do with money. I wrote the first part of this last december (holy crap).
---
if I dress up for you, do I lessen myself if I look up to you, do I defeat myself if I stand up to you, do I villify myself (if I stand up for you, do I objectify myself) if I fess up to you, can I redeem myself
stormy waters set ablaze well it's no wonder I'm afraid (I can't say) oh but I can feel you calling my name (oh that I can feel you coursing through my veins) and I know I will never be the same (breathe again)
if I stand here waiting on you if I stand here, I know you'll never come through
if I dream my life away I could dream of being you if I dream my life away, I know it'll never come true it'll never come true
I love this song, but I sort of hate the "bridge" because it's nonsensical and sounds pretentious to me. this song is about my relationships/interaction with men in general (from a kind of pseudo-feminist perspective) along with my tendency to idolize people, the second line was very much inspired by the Flatliners' "Hal Johnson Smokes Cigarettes" and a misunderstood lyric in it, which goes (but really doesn't) "when all you've idolized is dead and gone you'll realize your worth" but the real line sort of holds the same meaning, to me anyway (it really says "you'll realize you've won").
---
and here's another song I wrote forever ago, while I'm at it:
and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the pangs in my abdomen as I shame myself into staying silent
and I'd be crazy if I didn't think that you'd be gone in a moment if I wasn't your only token
and I hate that I was just your backup plan, but I am no more earnest and I'm wary of making too much of this
when all my debts are paid and all my things are squirreled away (I know I'll never have this squared away) I hope you'll be there I have always imagined you there
but all I need is a way to feel love without the rage
---
I'm terrified that I don't know how to write anymore, and I want more than ever to write with other musicians to spark my dwindling creativity, but I'm stubborn and controlling and generally difficult to work with, and not to mention flaky. I've let so many opportunities fall through because I'm too afraid to stand up and go for it. I want so badly to pack a bag and travel somewhere, go on tour, whatever (this may be a way of wanting to hide from the difficulties in my life, and it's not a time that would actually be appropriate, but it's something that needs to happen eventually). I think of the line "I wish for air to breathe and miles to see" almost every day, which makes me think of "Yune" by Parade:
"winding roads and windy hair tangles pull from every strand my fingers cupping every breeze I can see everything"
Played as "Anavrin" (Nirvana covers) with:
Jim Davis - guitar/vocals
Claire Raby - vocals
Brian Cotter - vocals
Kevin Adelworth - bass
Gavin Dugan - drums
Friday, 1/18/02
Claire's basement
Michelle's Birthday Party
Played as "Anavrin" (Nirvana covers) with:
Jim Davis - guitar/vocals
Claire Raby - vocals
Brian Cotter - vocals
Kevin Adelworth - bass
Gavin Dugan - drums
Friday, 11/3/01
Claire's garage
Halloween Show
Flyers:
Played as "Veruca Salt" (Veruca Salt covers) with:
Claire Raby - vocals/guitar
Kathleen D'Angelo - vocals
Liz - bass
Jim Davis - drums
Sunday, 3/25/01
Center Moriches Knights of Columbus
Food Not Bombs Benefit
Appeared with Goat Punishment (Weezer covers)
Saturday, 2/24/01
Claire's basement
Food Not Bombs Benefit
Played as "camoglitter" with:
Claire Raby - vocals/guitar
Emily Meyer - guitar/vocals
Ashley Borgstede - bass
Ray - drums
All WrongI wish you wouldn't say things like that
begging me to prove you wrong
I stumble on my words
I can't do this here
I cannot think clear
oh no I cannot
I wish you wouldn't do this to me
hinting that I call your bluff
but I know this is serious
I just can't make this claim
it stains me with shame
oh it pains meLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Aloneonly want to be what I've been wishing for
something that I can say is real
only want to see what I've been dreaming of
something that I can really feel
and it's true that I've been lying
and it's true that I'm afraid
and it's true I've been alone these days
'cause I never get my wayonly want to be what I've been wishing for
(once all the pieces come together)
something that I can say is real
(my whole world falls apart)
only want to see what I've been dreaming of
(is this what happens whenever)
something that I can really feel
(I finally get what I want)
once all the pieces come together
my whole world falls apart
is this what happens whenever
I finally get what I want
and it's true that I've been lying
and it's true that I'm afraid
and it's true I've been alone these days
'cause I never get my wayLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Away From Herewhere do I start
I don't have the means
to run away from here
so I wait here longing
for the answers to come to me
and I daydream of things
I'll never really need
where could I go
I don't know what it means
to roam free
so I'll forever be
in desperate, useless needso I coast
(I don't know where to go from here, I don't know)
the way the water lets me flow
(where to float on my own)
I don't know where to go
(I can't roam from this flow)
so I try to break myself free
(where do I start)
from all these useless things
(I don't know how to be free)
but I know I'll always be
in this helpless, hopeless dreamI don't know where to go from here, I don't know where to go
(where the water lets me flow)
I don't know where to go from here, I don't know where to go
(I coast)
I don't know where to go from here, I don't know where to go
(where the water lets me flow)
I don't know where to go from here, I don't know where to go
on my own
(I don't know)
Lyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Be Strongif I lose control
I will forfeit it all
and I never want to feel that way again
all the curtains are drawn
as the observers urge me on
just waiting for me to make my move
be strong, hold on
it won't be long
I know you can move on
but what if I'm not strong
and I can't move on
oh when will I belong
so I waiver on
try to keep myself calm
as I battle all the things that pull (hold) me down
if I give in now
I will prove all of their doubt
but I'm certain that this enemy
will do (pull) me in
(will pull me in again in time)
be strong, hold on
it won't be long
I know you can move on
but what if I'm not strong
and I can't go on
oh when will this be done (gone)
I make my way
on dead ends I've paved
I wander past all the paths away
and I stagger along
(I stall)
try to force myself on
(try not to break)
but there is so much more, I know, that can be done
(I crawl)
be strong, hold on
(I make my way)
it won't be long
(on dead ends I've paved)
I know you can move on
(I hold it back, I stall)
but what if I'm not strong
(and I stagger along)
and I can't move on
(try to force myself on)
oh where did I go wrong
(but there is so much more, I know, that can be done)
be strong, hold on
(I make my way)
(if I hold on)
it won't be long
(on dead ends I've paved)
(I won't belong)
I know you can move on
(I never give my all)
(oh no, I can't move on)
but what if I move on
(and I stagger along)
and I can't hold on
(try to force myself on)
(and I don't belong)
oh when will I be strong
(oh why can't I be strong)
Lyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Blue Lightssitting under the blue lights
knowing that the time was right
but wrong all the same
falling under the spell of night
under the colored christmas lights
we stared into each other's eyes
and knew it had to be done
but where was my strength
where was my courage to wait
and now I feel small
though I'm quite past it allLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Blue Willowand I can see her beyond you
skulking away into the next room
you soak her blue right into you
and I cannot find a way to keep you grey (to make you stay)
but I won't let her take away
the only sweet that I can taste
(the only substance that I crave)
so I, in vain, release my rage
(so I invade your every space)
and I can only say that "if circumstances were changed..."
(I can only say I'm not really so deranged)
willow will you think I am cruel
if I continue to make the same mistake
and all the while I kept repeating
feelings (the things) a child would believe in
and I've been longing for the day I'll be able
to live without fear of the creature that
the night will turn me to
and all the blackened blue I'm covering you in
may not be the way to say I
envy every inch of you that he appreciates
and I am covered in the blood of every
woman that I've bathed in all the
(I'm splayed with all the)
animosity I breed with all the love I make
(insecurities I feed with all the love I waste)
one single throw and every eye in the room is fixed on me
to them I know she's just an unsuspecting casualty
I count to three and every part of me seethes with rage
for you I suppose I am a shining portrait of insanityLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Breaking Downall but screaming now
I seem to see the worst tonight
I've been falling down
and no one seems to catch me right
I'm just waiting for
a dream to fall into my eyes
all that's lingered here
was already lost to the sky
and I try
but I'm failing now
It's been way too long
I've forgotten how I should feel
I've been tending scars
that never seem to fully heal
all the while
I'm losing my mind
and I cry
I'm breaking downLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Burn Awayhe takes the life right out of me
and every day I feel that there is less of me
and I believe that I have never felt
better than this
burn away
take the life from me again
tear me apart again
have no mercy on me
'cause that's the way I want it to be
he burns a hole straight through my heart
and I don't feel the pain of being torn apart
and I believe he's the only thing
that's real to me
burn away
release the pain that's gathered all these years
take me away now
let me be free again
help me now
but I feel there's nothing left
and I know I can't have you forever
please don't go now
he doesn't know what I go through for him
he doesn't feel what I have felt within
this blackened hole that I call home inside
he knows nothing of how much I've died
burn away
shred me from the inside out
let the inferno rise
let me love the things that I despiseLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Contradictionmy life's been written
before it's over
I've become so predictable
that everything seems the same
but I know there's something more to this
I feel it in my emptiness
but I'm tied down by my insistent contradiction
my heart feels heavy
it carries oceans
and I drown in redundancy
and choke on stubbornness
and I feel it pushing down on me
I know this isn't right for me
but I can't bring myself to leave
I've seen this before
over and over again
I've felt this before
before I knew I wasn't really sure
and I'll keep searching here
for meaning to this life
but everything is meaningless
when you don't want to decide
my life's been written, it's over
and I drown in everything
and choke on wholly nothing
and this doesn't feel quite right to me
and I feel it closing in on me
but I don't think I know how to cease
this life's been written before
over and over again
and I know that I could be stronger
but I know this isn't the deepest I can dig myself
this hole gets deeper and deeper by the minute
I know it's caving in on me
and I feel you watching over me
as I suffocate in all my fear
these simple things are drowning me
I don't mean to be contradictory
but I never really know what to feelLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Defeatof all the things you could've said to me
you shoot me down with no regret
and just to prove your respect for me
you speak as if I'm not even there
for all the times that you have blamed me
has your good heart swelled with eager pride
and everything that you ever gave me
was just a way to dictate that you're right
now you mustn't think of me
as typical for retreating
oh what you must think of me
I'm difficult and deceiving
so I run out to the street
soaked in tears and defeat
I trudge my way through this one
as if freedom could save me
of all the ways for you to shame me
you write me off without a word
I sit and watch as you betray me
'cause it's not like I'd even care
('cause it's not like I'm even there)
now you mustn't think of me
as typical for retreating
oh what you must think of me
I'm difficult and deceivingLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Escapeyou went inside
I stayed in the car
the things you said to me
just went too far
I sat around
and wanted to go
what my reasons were
I still don't know
so I went down the road
and it felt so wrong
and I sang a song of escape
from (wash away) the rain
I stopped to dine
on nature's bread
I see that sign clearly in my head
as the sky turned red
I treaded
with feet of lead (full of dread)
and soon it turned dark
and you stopped
to save me
but sometimes you don't need to be saved
and why is it so hard
to keep your word
I'm always forced to stop
all that I hold to heart (and betray my cause)
and I felt so alone
as I braved through the cold
and tried to sing (wash) away the rainLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Eveningevery day I wake up
to the afternoon telling me
it's just too late to move
I'd wake up to the morning light
but I cannot stand to waste the night
I cannot take the feel of direction
under my shell
I'm soft and frail
over all this stone
is a place that should've been home
but I know it'll never come close
it'll never come close
every day I end up waiting
for the world to stop rotating
because I can't pick up the pieces all alone
(it'll never come close)
every day I try to stay on top
will I finish, will I even start
the lists are getting longer by the minute
(the day is getting shorter by the minute)
all the clutter's piled much too high (from floor to ceiling)
this room is a store of abandoned ties (the air is stifling)
(the air in this room is running dry)
you'd think I could resist the urge to fill it
(who thought I could remain here all alone)
I thought I could remain all alone
(what do I know)
what if I don't
(don't go)
(what if I go)
I came close
but I knowLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Fallingfalling graciously to sleep
you never even notice
when I leave
falling into this familiar pattern
I forget that you'd do anything for me
how can you listen when I
don't say a word
going over and over
all that you've never heard
falling purposely too deep
I cling to the idea of being weak
crying, begging
for someone to be my strength
trying endlessly to speak
I'll never give the answer that you seek
why do I fall when you
need me to stand
why do I defy you in
any way I can
why do I stall
it's silent again
how can you rely on one
so unwilling to bend
push me, tug on me
but I cannot watch you wait
for me to break
falling gratefully to sleep
the wall between us now has gotten steep
in climbing this familiar obstacle
falling, I regret, has seemed much easier to me
oh how I regret that it's much easier to leaveLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Fateshe's got tears in her eyes
even so she tries
to hold her head up high
so she waits around
to be picked up and found
by anyone who'll stand their ground
and she tries to think of fate
as something tangible and great
but she knows that's not her way
and she hates to think that all of the decisions she's been
strong enough to make have all been the wrong ones
and she doesn't want to know that every answer
just leads to more questions
and she can't expect that fate
will make the pain go away
no flowers will spring from this rain
the disappointment in her eyes
could flood the earth and drown the skies
but behind a smile she hides
and she thinks of her life
and she is terrified
of how the next few years will ride
and she could believe in fate
but it wouldn't make anything change
she's got loathe in her eyes
but she tries not to despise
the ones who simply didn't read her right
and she doubts in her mind
that she'll come out of these trials
with anything that's worthwhile (but denial)
and she'd like to think that fate
could justify her shameful state
but she knows it's not that wayLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Fault LinesI'm stuck here only because
I don't know where to go
and if I had what I wanted
would I even know
and would all I've dreamed of
swiftly come and go
leaving me to wonder
why I'd never known
I turn the page
but everything's the same
I just can't change
this faulty view today
I'll never change
faulty eyes
battered sight
I know someday
I'll be the one that's right
I wait here only because
I have nowhere to go
and if I knew what I wanted
could I even come close
does everything just fall apart
I don't even know where to start
tear off the page
it's useless to remain
I am a vessel
in which nothing is contained
I am a victim
of my unrelenting ways
I am the broken platter
no one wants to save
regretful matters
repeat over
faltered sight
full of fright
staring outward
but looking only inside
fault lies in my
faulty eyesLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Flamesthe flames, the flames devour the innocent
took a few tries to get it right
spotlight shone down on me
won over by uncertainty
and we run our separate ways
dignity lost with every word
it's true I could've saved us
but I just couldn't tell you no
it happens to everyone
but it happened to me
secrets kept till we're brave enough
to admit what we did wrong
and we find that all along
the stagnance gave it room to thrive
it's true I could've saved us
but I just couldn't tell you no
it happens to everyone
but it happened to me
the diameter grows larger
scuffed white shoes pound to no avail
a million things run through my mind
but there is just too little timeit's true I could've spared us
(orange bits of failure)
but I couldn't tell you no
(are all that I can see)
it happens to most everyone
(lost all my senses)
but why'd it happen to me
(come back to me)
I never could show my face again
I had to walk the other way
with all the shame that I kept inside
you stood tall as I diedLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Gallif I could stay here
for just one moment I could muster up the gall
I don't feel safe here
but if I wander off, I promise not to fall
pack your bags and walk the streets alone
not knowing where to go
when I look back I see so many wrongs
(although I can't stay here)
but if I'd never left my doorstep
(I know I can always sing your song)
would I've ever sung your song
(all this time's been passing me by)
I don't know why I cannot find myself
(don't know why I cannot find myself)
I guess I'm lost in the twilight
don't know why I try to hide behind
the things I love can't make me real
(can they make me real)
when the coast is clear
(if I could stay here)
I'll finally find a new sweet dear
(for just one moment I could muster up the gall)
and I can't live without these things
but I can't live my life through them
and I'll find you when the coast is clear
(I don't feel safe here)
I'll finally find a new sweet dear
(but if I wander off, I promise not to fall)
and I can't live without them
but I cannot live life through them
and I found you when the coast was clear
(here's to staying out too late)
I finally found my new sweet dear
(and stumbling into every state)
and I can't live without you
(that I can bring myself to)
but I cannot live through you
and I know it's never really clear
(and I'm used to staying up too late)
what'll happen after it leaves my ears
(and sleeping in late every day)
but I can take what silence (stagnance) brings
'cause I can always sing your song
(I know I can always sing your song)
(if I could wait here for one more moment I could wander off alone)
don't know why I cannot find myself
(don't know why I cannot find myself)
I guess I'm lost in the twilight
(don't know my way here, oh I am out of place and out of places to go)
don't know why I try to hide behind
the things I love, they make me real
(won't make me real)
Lyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Getting My Waywas it surprising for me to feel a little out of place
all the things I'd see were all the things I hate
it was instinct just to never go again
hadn't expected that I'd lose you as a friend
never intended on hurting anyone
I thought you'd understand but apparently I was wrong
was this your way of keeping me
from getting my way with too much ease
or had you hated me all along
thought it'd be worth it, thought I'd leave there with no pain
and all I was losing I would suddenly regain
lost almost all I had of any importance
didn't understand why it happened all at once
so you were right, I was pretty out of line
thought I was excused 'cause I was losing my mind
was this your way of keeping me
from always getting my way
or did you hate me all along
am I naive to think that we could ever be the same
you and I both know that none of us will change
all that we've been through is buried deeply in the past
thought the bond we'd made was strong enough to last
I'm tired of knowing you're not saying what you mean
I try to not admit that I miss you dearly
is this your way of keeping me
out of your way with just enough ease
or do you hurt as much as meLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Girloh where is the girl going
so far down in the waves
we all thought she had something
but clearly that was a mistake
where's the girl going
where's the girl going
so what does she plan on doing
oh when will she find her place
you know, she was really something
now she's just a waste
(what a waste)
where's the girl going
where's the girl going
oh girl don't you worry
don't be afraid
the world's full of beasts and fear and pain
but you've just got to play the game anyway
I don't have any answers
and I am ashamed
I could gamble off my life
but this isn't a game
oh where is the girl going
she is stranded out in the rain
you know something
I don't think she'll ever find her way
where's the girl going
where's the girl goingLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
(In)completeand if you weren't so scared of being
controlled by me
we could've been so unhappy and incomplete
and all the things we never knew
we'll never know
and all the things I said to you
were so low, stone cold
and if I wasn't so afraid of being
out of control
we could go back to hanging on and letting go
and I could still resent you for
not being what you claim
and I could sit there dwelling on
the things I'll never beLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
In Dreamshe visits in dreams
sad and smiling
blue-grey and sea green
he overwhelms me
so endearingly
wrong from the start
I'm (get) used to it
he haunts me in my sleep
and I wake to find I'm missing
that feeling of defeat
but needing him all the same
I see it in his eyes
they're noble and revealing
of some loyalty to time
he can't bother with the feeling
but how can I expect to change his mind
there's no way that we can change what we've left behind
the only time we speak
is when I'm settled in to sleep
and I am startled every time
that you could really be so kind
and I am terrified of what I might say
and I am still ashamed of words that I've claimed
he haunts me in my sleep
(the only time we speak)
and I wake to find I'm missing
(is when I'm settled into sleep)
(sad and smiling)
that feeling of defeat
(and I am startled every time)
(blue-grey)
but needing him all the same
(that you could really be so kind)
(and sea green)
I see it in his eyes
(and I am terrified to say)
(rolled in cozy)
they're noble and revealing
(that I could really feel this way)
(familiarity)
I wonder of the guise
(and I've been feeling so ashamed)
what his kindness is concealing
(of all the bullshit that I've claimed and I have so much strain)
with so much strain on my heart
I'll never get used to used to it (this)
Lyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Lyingonce I had a place in life
once I didn't feel this way
nothing mattered
no one cared
that was that
and we went on with our lives
this dream didn't feel
so important
I thought there'd be something else
but when everything falls apart
it's all I have left
and what good does it do me
once I didn't worry
about where I led myself
drowning in the remnants
of what could've been
doubting they ever had a chance
this dream never swayed
and it's brought me nothing
there has to be something else
but I'm tired of lying
it's all that I want
it's all that I have
why can't it be good enough
once I didn't mind
that I was headed nowhere
it had no affect on me
looking back
I can't regret
there's nothing else I could've done
(oh well)
there has to be something else
but I'm tired of lyingLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
No other way to liveall the clocks have struck the time
that we should be defined
(that we should have been defined)
by now
we should be well upon our way
(we are in the way)
there's nowhere we can't stray
(there are so many steps to take)
but still we stay
when I find the way, I'll be sure to check it out (chicken out)
but I always will be frightened by the sound
and no matter what I'll never live it down
(there's no other way to live than filled with doubt)
all the clocks are ticking all around me
maybe all the things we seek aren't meant to be
we ascend at a constantly shrinking pace
(we assemble to sing all our fears away)
and we toast to brighter days
(and we hope to fall into place)
but still we wake to grey
(but will we make the grade)
will I drag my feet till I've buried them into the ground
(has my ship sailed, is it already run aground)
will each day I meet be a medley of days rewound
(well each day I lead is leading me out)
will I find my peace when all love I know is sound
(when hearing the lies I tell myself aloud)
will I burn every bridge till I'm alone on an island of doubt
(will I turn a new leaf or will I only burn them all to the ground)
all the songs, they sound the same
the notes, they interchange like symphonies ingrained
all the days they feel the same
these walls they never change, encircling and plainLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Nonsense (not making sense)you always told me
to try something new
but that's just not what I do
over my shoulder
I look to the world
to pull me out of thisit's not what I meant to say
(it's not making sense to me)
I know you'd go all the way
but I'm afraid
you've gone too far
and now you're just far awayLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Oh, dearoh dear, oh dear, I'm sorry to say
it's so easy to think of you this way
I never thought I could entertain this delusion, this child's play
I wonder if I have ever really changed
my dear, my dear, I've been meaning to say
I don't envy that people think of you this way
we hang onto your every phrase
it's ritual to violate your privacy
but is this a price you should pay
a beseeching melody accompanies your effigy
(a·b·c·d·e·f·g I feel like I am still thirteen)
but a child isn't as jaded as me
(still I sing your cadence in my sleep)
dear me, dear me, I think I'm crazy
I've dotted every t, but my ends won't seem to meet
(cross my eyes and hope to bleed)
what if I will never see
any of the things that I had hoped I would achieve
at this point I'd settle for being ordinary
in the middle of the night
I'm so afraid that I have wasted my life
and everything I say
will be cemented in some hopeless, terrifying shape
oh but when did I succumb to this debilitating rage
oh dear, oh dear, I'm sorry to say
(I've been meaning to say)
it's so easy to think of you this way
(I don't envy that people think of you this way)
I never thought I could entertain this delusion, this child's play
(a beseeching melody accompanies your effigy)
but a child isn't as jaded as me
(still I sing your cadence in my sleep)
a beseeching melody accompanies your effigy but a child isn't as jaded as me
(I wonder if I'll change, I wonder if this game will end in only pain)
a·b·c·d·e·f·g I feel like I am still fourteen but a child isn't as jaded as me
(I wonder if I'll change, I wonder will this game end in only pain)
a beseeching melody accompanies your effigy but a child isn't as jaded as me
(I wonder if I'll change, I wonder if this game will end in only pain)
(I wonder will this game end in only pain)
a·b·c·d·e·f·g I feel like I am still fifteen but a child isn't as jaded as me
oh dear meLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
One Armed Banditchoose your words carefully, like you always do
don't want them to be the last you'll ever choose
I fear I didn't come prepared
for my life to hang on some paper and woven thread
I see so many different sides
(try to see it through your eyes)
I hope I'm not worth ruining your life
(I hope it's not worth taking my life)
o hilarity, be still me, bring me to reality
guts wrenching, senses flailing
futility wafting through the air
(my mind's everywhere but here)
so pull the arm down
and you'll lose more than you have found
(will I lose all I've helped to found)
so pull the arm down
all my change will come pouring out
(and the change will come pouring out)
Lyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Patternand all I can think is this wasn't supposed to happen
oh I waiver so much that I'm starting to notice a pattern
if I set my standards low will I still feel it in my bones
and how far can I expect this to go
(and all I know is I can't bear to go)
suddenly it seems so familiar
every time I run for the door
energies I waste in retreating to quieter ground
(over and over and over and over again)
every side of my cage must face the sound
(noise I can't escape, in or out)
and all that I feel is laced with an unspoken yearning
to see what would be if I evaded this constant reverting
and all that I know is I can't be there to give my all at once
(and all that I know is I can't ignore all that was)
I wish it were fair that I cannot bear it all
(I never forget a note)
nothing has changed, I stand inbetween freezers and flames
and all I contain will never be matted and framed
and every last inch I try to give is filled in with empty space
(and here we go again)
there's so much more I'm not prepared to face
(why is it so hard to just declare my place)
and I have never felt so far away from you
(don't you feel it too)
but I will hold you close as I have grown to do
(like this weight is pulling me to be finished with you)
if I wake up every day feeling sure that I could stay
is this ever going to goLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Seasick, tooI sit in this rocking boat
and wonder if you can hear me
I wonder if you notice me
pretending to look the other way
but I know this is my fault
and I know it's not your call
I just wonder, are you seasick too
I wait with this boat
for you to meet me here
(you're a liar again)
I wait for the tide
to wash me away
I hope it's not the way
you wanted it to be
the boat is sinking
my world is spinning
too fast for me to blink
I'm tired of the way
(by the way)
I can't speak the words to say
(I am seasick every day)
all the thoughts that I can think
(and I don't want to sink)
I sit in this wayward boat
and yearn for you to hear (help) me
(can you hear me)
(will you steer me)
I beg for you to notice me
demanding to live a better fate
but I know you give your all
(I know this is my call)
and I know we're all at fault
I just wonder, will we make it through
(are you seasick too)
the water's always freezing
and you are always leaving me here
drifting, dreaming (drowning)
Lyrics and Music by Claire Raby
SilenceI can't get the music
to fit what's in my head
and sometimes it's just not worth it
to speak of all the things that should be said
I wait for the music
to overflow with words I've bled
but somehow I just can't get it
to silence (empty) all the things that fill my headLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Sunny Skiessunny skies never did it for me
severed ties have their hold on me
over-thinking, ever failing
always sinking, I've been lingering here
subtle lives have nothing for me
but I try not to dwell on these things
I'm ignoring what I need to face
but I can't handle feeling out of place
and sometimes it gets cold
waiting for someone to call on me
and when I fall
I fall so hardLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Thimbelinayou hold it all together
weaving in and out
through my skin
through my blouse
mend my tears
you're all I need
but your good intentions
make me bleed
we can pull the scraps together
and make something special
save what's been torn apart
and make something new
mend my tears
you're all I need
good intentions
make me bleed
you go smoothly in and out
spread you out
put you together again
embrace my skin
and around again
mend my tears
you're all I need
good intentions
make me
you hold it all together
weaving in and out
through my skin
through my blouse
mend my tears
you're all I need
good intentions
make me bleed
you go smoothly in and outLyrics by Claire Raby, Jim Davis
Music by Claire Raby
Tied Downdrunken thank-you's
warm-hearted reflections
spilling over with best of intentions
push my boundaries and question inflections
falling into this trap of deception
you can't be tied down
you can't be won over so easily
you can't be expected to love everyone
that wishes to be
tied down, needed by you
so pick and choose
do what you'll do
and I can't blame you for the girl
that you snuck off with last night
and I can't blame you for
tripping over me
so invisibly in your way
so afraid to feel this way
so afraid to meet your gaze
and your eyes sparkle like the lights
are always shining on them
and I am struck down by all the times
I've caught my reflection in them
(they've fallen in my direction)
and there is no way for me to say
that I have been captured by them
and there is no way that I will play
the role of the love-struck super-fanLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Time Will Telltime will tell me nothing
'cause only time will lie about what's coming
and what's behind the shoes that we've been running
three at a time and time, again, is cunning
and takes us for a rideride on while you can still feel (it)
and don't come till you've learned what's real (the meaning)
and don't you fear what's in between
(time will tell me nothing)
the roads are steep but time will lead the way
(the roads are clear but time is in the way)
time to tell me what you plan on doing for me
I'm sure that you'll be plenty ready to fool me
and time will tell me what its plans are for me
(time has taught me to be wary of what's before me)
I'm sure it will be sitting right before me
(I'm sure that I'll be getting all that comes to me)
time is but a means to slow you down
(ride on while you can still feel [it] and)
(time to tell me what you plan on doing for me)
time is what it means to be let down
(don't come till you've learned [the meaning] what's real and)
('cause only time will lie about what's coming)
(I'm sure that you'll be plenty ready to fool me)
time does what it needs to hold you down
(don't you fear what's in between)
(and what's behind the shoes that we've been running)
(time will tell me nothing)
(time will tell me what its plans are for me)
time is just a need to be soldiered out
(the roads are steep but time will lead the way)
(three at a time and time, again, is cunning)
(I'm sure it will be sitting right before me)
time will tell me nothing
'cause only time will die out as it's running
and leave behind a trail of my shortcomings
that paint themselves as everyone else's
(time is a'wasting)
doing what's best for no one else
(all my time)
could be so cunning as all the rest of time
(is a'wasting all my time)
time is a'wasting
all my time
(is a'wasting all my time)
and time is a'wasting
all my time
(is a'wasting all my time)
Lyrics and Music by Claire Raby
We can't do this anymoreyou said, we can't do this anymore
and I said, I knowI find myself
sifting through letters
(sifting through the mail)
and checking for calls on my cell
(checking for holes in my cell)
I ask myself (I ask myself)
(what is the point of this hell)
(I ask myself)
what is the point if I
can't even handle it well
(what is the point of this hell)
why torture myself
I die every time your presence is felt
(die every time our silence is squelched)
a blazing fire is fed
I crave for this thirst to be quenched
(I need for this need not to be met)
this morning I saw your ghost
sitting in front of the window
you'd never wear that, I said
you'd never understand what that meantI ask myself (I ask myself)
what is the point if I
can't even explain it well
(why do I torture myself)
(I ask myself, I ask myself)
what is the point if I
can't even tell you myself
(why do I torture myself)
are you watching
(are you listening)
are you listening
(are you watching)
(I ask myself)
are you watching
(are you really listening)
are you listening
(are you watching me)
Lyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Will to Fightwhat's to say that we could ever be the same
and what do I know anyway
we can't move on from here if I can't feel a thing
I am so tired of being unable to decide
oh will I ever find it in me to call it a night
oh I can't say that it's not worth it
I can't say that it's not right
I can only say that I have no more will to fight
for every second of every minute
and every hour of every day
I am torn between my limits
and all the plans that I have made
and I wait for resolution
and I dream of peace of mind
but I will never really be happy
if I can't make up my mindLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
WindowsI climb through windows
and I cry when I'm expected to
I crawl through tight places
I fold when I am needed to
I can't imagine you would know about that
I sleep in concrete
(encased in concrete)
and I lay upon the ground
(oh I sleep beneath the ground)
and I go crazy when my dreams have no sound
I can't expect you to revere any of that
sometimes I'm dying oh to know
if I'll ever be more than just some random girl
will these things matter to anyone in the world
if I keep shouting will anyone feel compelledLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
With Youtake me with you
take me to your home
I'd climb in through your window
but I cannot get there on my own
butterflies float through the night
tired eyes rest unknowingly
colored lights capture my delight
'cause I know you are my only love
now that I know you
now that I'm part of your life
will you take me with you
and never forget that I tried
can't you see I'm waiting for you
I go to sleep, I can't wait any longer
I've been waiting my whole life
to be disappointed by someone like younow that I know you
(take me with you)
(can't you see I've been waiting for you)
now that I've fallen apart
(hold me in your heart)
(I cannot breathe, I can't stay any longer)
now that I know you
(take me with you)
(I've been waiting my whole life)
I want you out of my heart
(and never forget that I tried)
(to push you out of my heart)
Lyrics and Music by Claire Raby
Yoda's Sapphire Soupthe flames, the flames, the dogs in the meadow
the gingerbread man ran away last night
flowerpanes and windowseeds
misty dreams of sapphire soup
the sediment's washed away again
and Stalin was a crazy foolchorus:
orange lips of chocolate
is all that I can see
crazy this world is
come back to me
the cat jumped over the spoon
the clock keeps turning
as the fur is burning
keep the quarters in the street
(chorus)
my insanity is rising
there's a pencil in my eye, I think
the balloon in the sky will fly no more
and leona was a dirty whore
(chorus)
look left, look right, said Jiminy
swirling buttons of meringue jello
when I look into your eyes
all I see is...Lyrics by Claire Raby, Michelle Di Lena, Rachel Tekula
Music by Claire Raby
You Walk Right Through Mea crowded room, a vacant heart
the music soars between the corners and the walls
the lights are dim, the mood is warm
(waste my effort one more time)
but I've got chills as I sink to the floor
(I try to sink through the floor)
(you walk right through)
I take my time, I fall behind
I needed to go where you would find me
I cannot believe that you would tread all over me
and I cannot believe that you've gone
you walk right through me
(I take my time)
you walk right through me
(I fall behind)
I waste my time on you
I just cannot believe that you would let this out on me
and I cannot believe that you've gone
a crowded room, an empty heart
the music sways between the ocean and the dirt
and I have wasted effort one more time
(I take my time, I fall behind)
I fake my effort one last time
(I waste my time, I stay behind)
as my feet start to melt to the floor
I wanted to go
(you walk right through me)
I wanted to go
(you walk right through me)
I wanted to be
(I needed to be)
where you would see me
I cannot believe that you would tread all over me
and I cannot believe that you're gone
I wanted to go
(you walk right through me)
I wanted to go
(you walk right through me)
I wanted to go
(you walk right through me)
where you would turnLyrics and Music by Claire Raby
